Episode 10: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz Pt. 1

In this episode of the podcast I talk about the importance of being present. I share insights from "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz, focusing on self-awareness and challenging engrained beliefs, particularly about money. I also talks about Adele's new album 30 and its emotional impact. I highlight the significance of positive influence on her nursing students and the power of words in shaping self-perception.

Amaka (00:00:14) - Hey, everyone. Welcome back. Welcome back to the Biblio Therapy for Black Women podcast. I'm your host, Amaka. It is a Saturday when I am recording in my usual place at my desk, looking out my window. This has come to be the setup for getting my mind right and getting into that space that I need to turn on the microphone and, you know, let the words out, let my thoughts out. So. Yet. It is a Saturday morning. It is 845. And how did my week go my way? Quite well. I had my clinical shifts with my students, and I had one nursing shift at the facility that I work for. I likely won't be there beyond a few more weeks. which is kind of exciting for me. I am mentally at the point where I am eager to transition to the new phase that is in front of me, you know, moving and starting the new job. I almost feel like I have overstayed where I currently am. And like, I'm kind of going back and forth because I really want to.

Amaka (00:01:52) - I'm really trying to practice regularly, being content and at peace with wherever I am in that moment, in that second, in that hour day, whatever, you know. So I'm really trying to be like, you know. Don't take for granted where you are now. Appreciate where you are right now because it's likely you'll look back. You'll have moments where you're happy in your new phase, but you could very well look back and miss. Being. Where I am now. So, you know, one realization I had a while ago, I'm not sure where I heard it, but it really resonated with me, is that one thing can be true and another thing can be true. It doesn't necessarily have to be contradictory, or it doesn't necessarily take away from one thing to have another thing be valid. So it's very much. It's very much okay that I am looking forward to the new phase that's in front of me, while also working to stay present and where I am right now, and remain at peace and content with where I am now.

Amaka (00:03:14) - But I can't help but feel that I'm ready for that change. And you know, when that happens to you, you just know that you're ready. I feel like part of that, just knowing that, you know, for a while, I wasn't really sure what was going to come next. I had a broad idea, but the details, how to get there, we're not clear to me. And. I didn't know what was going to happen and it was causing stress. It was a point of stress for me. It was a point of anxiety for me. Anxiety that. I struggled with quite a bit. So having gone through that. Period of time, and now coming out on the other side and having clarity about what's coming next, and my mind having processed that and is now at the at the place of actually looking forward to it and being eager to get there. I just don't want that to take away from my reality now. You know, I love where I live, I love the area that I live in.

Amaka (00:04:35) - I have developed a connection to where I am now, and I'm going to miss it. I think that's really all it is. I'm going to miss it. So I'm really trying to, like, savor it. I'm trying to tell myself, girl like that, that that new phase is going to come. It's going to come. Just chill out a bit and enjoy where you are right now. So yeah, I won't be at my job, my non-teaching job. I won't be there much longer this semester with my students and. In like after Thanksgiving. We have a week and a half if that. So that's crazy how fast the segments the semester went. And I really loved the students that I met. Like, they're just great. They're great. And I, you know, being a 30 something millennial, I don't really interact with 19, 20, 21 year olds. And and that's their age range. my Thursday clinical, one of my students, mentioned that her birthday was the previous day, and I was like, oh my God, your birthday? And she was like, yeah, I'm 22.

Amaka (00:05:57) - I feel so old. I was like, girl. I was like, girl, I got a good ten years on you. Chill out. But, you know, like, I'm just glad that we built a rapport to where they feel comfortable. Kind of just like speaking their mind and, you know, saying what they have to say and just, you know, us talking and all the while still learning from the experience that is this psych mental health clinical. So that was just a funny moment. but I, I really appreciate this experience. And if you listen to my last episode, I. I was thinking about what I do it again. And I arrived at the answer of no. Because as much as I love the students, I always have to be on, you know, because I'm the preceptor I have to be on. I have to be alert. I have to be ready and willing to help and answer questions. And just the default introvert in me just wants to kind of sit down and not talk and read a book.

Amaka (00:07:09) - So from that perspective, I wouldn't want to do it again. But when it comes to the connections, like being able to connect with students and influence their perspective on psychiatry and mental health in a positive way to where they are no longer. Subscribing to the notions that, you know, media and the world portray when it comes to folks with mental health and mental institutions and psych units. You know, it's really great because some of them came in with the impression, you know, that it's crazy people who can't be controlled but are leaving this clinical, you know, understanding that they're people just like them, you know, and they just need a little bit more help with navigating the struggles that they have mentally. Especially with everything that happened in the pandemic. That we're still going through. To a certain degree. So, yeah, that was my week. The morning that I'm recording is the morning after. The new album by Adele came out so I. Decided to listen to it. I drive around town to go grocery shopping, and.

Amaka (00:08:41) - That album personally like. It's. It's so good. It's so good. Like. I watched an interview that she did with Apple Music and. She talked about how she is making this music for 30 and 40 year olds who have really leaned into themselves and getting to know themselves and then using therapy as a resource. And I was like, okay, I see why I love it so much, and I see why it resonates so much with me. And. Some of those songs just really knock you on the floor, like my little Love God. It's those are there. There are some songs that I just can't listen to all the time, because they will just make me cry. And I think it's that's as good as that song is. First of all, I'm like, the first time I heard that song. When I usually hear a song for the first time, and I love it. Like it doesn't need to grow on me. Like I just love it. I will put it on repeat, like over and over and over and over again.

Amaka (00:09:53) - I wear it out. But this song, I feel like I can't do that. You know, I want to appreciate it every time I listen to it. So I'm trying really hard not to keep repeating it. Like if I'm listening to the album and it gets to that song, then I listen to it, you know? But I want to really try and preserve its place on the album and not overplay it, because it's such a raw and real song. And. The voice notes with her son, and the voice note that she makes for herself and just her breaking down. And it's just like, what the heck I was. I listened to it for the first time. I was driving to Costco and I was just getting emotional. I was like, what is this? I was not prepared for this. I wasn't prepared. Oh, because she's talking about, like how for the first time, after the tumultuous, experience of leaving her marriage, like the first time after that, she's feeling lonely, and she usually likes her own company.

Amaka (00:11:09) - You know, she doesn't always have to be around people. And that's me. That's me. I like my aloneness. You know, there's definitely a difference between being alone and being lonely. I would say, I definitely love my aloneness. I love being by myself. I love turning inward and really reflecting and getting to know myself. But feelings of loneliness, like I really don't wish I. It's not something I wish I would wish on anybody to feel lonely, to feel like. There is no one there. It's very, very tough. So like listening to that part of the song, I was like, oh girl, I'm so sorry. We have all been there. We've all been there. So yeah, I would say it's a good album. It's not just all, you know, sadness. You can see how she gets through, what she went through and, everything that she was feeling or a lot of what she was feeling, you know, what she felt comfortable sharing in her music.

Amaka (00:12:25) - So if you are a fan of that type of. Music, I would recommend it. Give it a listen and see what you think. So. Yeah. I'm going to. Transition into the book that I'm reading right now, as you can see from the title. This is not a book that I had in my plan in terms of like timeline of when to talk about it. I had it in mind, but I was kind of just looking through my books. Recently, and then this one kind of popped out in front of me and I picked it up and I was like, you know. I read this book for the first time about ten years ago. I was living in Delaware. I was early 20s and. I don't know if this book was recommended to me or. I don't remember. But I read it and I remember taking so much from it. And I am rereading it now because the person that I am now is definitely not who I was ten years ago, and I restarted it.

Amaka (00:13:54) - Because I wanted to see if I would take away the same lessons, if I would understand anything differently, if I would be asking the same questions, if there were any, if there was anything I wrote in the margins as something to work on that has been worked on. So yes, the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. This is a classic. If there ever was one. When it comes to talking about how to go through life like tools on how to. Make life a little more meaningful, intentional, less stressful. Day by day. So reading this, I was like, wow. I think. So. I've read chapters one and two. I think this is actually going to be I think this episode is going to be part one of a two part project to talk about this book. So I have reread chapter one, which is called domestication and the dream of the planet, and then chapter two, which is the first agreement, the impeccable with your word. I don't remember understanding the the first chapter, the domestication and the dream of the planet the way that I do now.

Amaka (00:15:34) - Because I really like I was reading that chapter and I was thinking, yes, this is how it all happens, you know, you. You are born. You are a blank canvas. You know you are born to parents and you're born to parents who. Have been on this earth for a significantly longer amount of time than you. Clearly. You're born to. Parents who have lived in this world and interacted with the people in this world and have had experiences that have shaped their worldview and solidified their perspective of how the world works and what they believe is true. And. You are theirs. You are in their care. And there's no way, as a baby, as a little human. And, you know, as an infant while you're growing, there's no way to. Question. What is. Being instilled in you by your caretakers, by your parents. So you are a blank canvas coming into this world. Your parents are your caretakers. They are caring for you. They are attempting to raise you in this world, this environment, the society.

Amaka (00:17:17) - Based off of what they know to be true for themselves, the agreements that they have made for themselves. Their personal quote unquote, books of law, which the book which The Four Agreements. Describes as your internal like let me use the word Constitution, like the internal. List of rules and values and beliefs and what you think is important and what you hold dear and what you value like they are raising you. And instilling in you. All those things that they have solidified for themselves to be true. Whether. It is true. Whether it is truth that doesn't really matter, it's true for them and that's all that they can draw from. You know, they're they're going to raise you as best as they can with what they know. But that doesn't take away from the fact that what they know and what they believe can be very limiting or can be very damaging because of who knows what type of adverse experiences or trauma that they have unresolved that they are now, that it's now involved in their attempt to raise you and rear you and bring you up from being a child and becoming an adult.

Amaka (00:18:57) - So I was thinking about how. You know, while reading the book. These. These experiences. You know, being born and being raised by parents happens over and over and over and over and over again. And depending on what society you live in. A lot of us. Feel that feel we need to abide by. The overarching quote unquote, book of law that is purported by the society we live in. You know, a part of it comes from, you know, needing to survive and needing to be able to be accepted and thrive in the environment that surrounds us. And we want our children to be able to learn their environment and survive and thrive in it, too. And we think that the way to do that, and the way to go about equipping them, is to teach them what we know, what we know to be true. But I think we need to. And when I say we like, I'm thinking me. I think it's helpful to really think about what we believe is true.

Amaka (00:20:24) - Like what agreements have we made that maybe we didn't really think about? And the book uses the word agreement. To in the context of being able to move through life. Language is in agreement. Like we agree with things every single day that we don't even really think about. One example is Daylight Savings Time. Almost a week ago, our clocks moved back an hour and everyone just went on with it. You know, people might be annoyed, you know, I don't know, the days get shorter and you're like, why do we even do this? But like, we went along with it. We all, whether we liked it or not. Agreed. By following the new time schedule, you know, language is an agreement. This microphone that I'm speaking into. We all agree it's a microphone. the the book that I'm holding in my hand. We all agree that it's a book. You know, language is the way that we're able to communicate with each other and we're not able to communicate if we don't agree.

Amaka (00:21:43) - On the words that we're using because words have meaning. And if we don't agree on the meaning. We can't relay our thoughts to each other. He works to make it clear that agreement is the foundation. Of everything. Agreements is the foundation of society, and being able to live around people and being able to do things and, and and all of that, you know. At the basis of it all, you have to agree. You have to agree. but there are levels, you know, there are levels of agreement that help us. Get through our day, you know, in the outside world. There are levels of agreement that are necessary that are not bad, you know. but then there are areas of agreement that it is worth taking a second thought, you know, and considering do I really believe that this is true? And I feel like a lot of us go through that when we get older and. We are like, kind of like, hopefully we get to a point where we come out from under the people that raised us.

Amaka (00:23:10) - Because sometimes when you're in that world, you can't really see. You can't see your blind spots, you can't see what you are not privy to. Because you're so engulfed. You are so consumed by the structure that is around you. It is only when you finally come out from that that you are able to kind of. Wipe. Your eyes, clean your vision and say, I was taught to believe that I was raised to believe that. But now that I am on the outside looking in, do I really believe that? And. Agreement is the foundation of a belief. If you agree that it is true for you, it is your belief. If someone says something to you and you don't believe it. If someone says something to you and you don't agree to it, it's not true for you and it doesn't have the power that it has for that person who believes in it. So. I know I went through this when I finally lived on my own, and I was out of that structure that raised me, and I was able to be on the outside looking in like this was taught to me.

Amaka (00:24:46) - But do I believe it? So I am thinking about what my book of law, my internal book of law, is. I'm thinking about what my internal agreements are that I need to question, that I need to potentially dismantle. One example that I'll give is from a financial place, you know, I. Am reframing and restructuring. What I believe about money. Your. Your beliefs about money. Or let me just let me speak from a personal place. My beliefs about money were based off of my parents beliefs about money growing up, and we lived in what most people would consider, like an upper middle class neighborhood. We had everything we needed, but there was still this feeling of there wasn't enough. You know, I didn't really feel like. Outside of everything that I needed. You know, if there was something that I wanted just because I wanted it. I didn't really feel like I could ask for that. So like, I grew up and then, you know, you grow up thinking you have to toil, you have to suffer, you have to work your fingers to the bone.

Amaka (00:26:29) - To make money and to, you know, be financially able and, you know, stable, you know. So I grew up with that belief that you can only make money if you're working hard. Like you have to really exhaust yourself. You have to work hours and hours to see money come to you. And I am questioning that. And I am at the point where I no longer I have broken that agreement. That I have to work tirelessly for money because that's not the truth for everybody. And I am seeing that. That doesn't have to be the truth for me, you know? I am working on replacing that agreement with. Yes, I have to work, but I don't have to kill myself to work and to the point where I can't even enjoy what I have like. And it's hard. It's hard because you are. You are raised with this like, it's like you're indoctrinated, like you. It's hard to think of certain aspects of life in any other way. But. When you really sit and try and attempt and.

Amaka (00:28:04) - And are open to it and are not scared and are not fearful of what you may find on the other side, it is rather freeing. So, like I have freed myself from the notion that I have to work my ass off in order to see a dollar. Like, I don't want that to be my life. I see how hard my parents worked and I'm like, I don't want that to be the case for me. And you know, that just means that I need to figure out a way to make a living to where I don't have to work seven days a week, you know, so that spurs. That part of my brain that you know, is creative and wants to innovate and wants to find new ideas that can potentially lead to a means of providing the life that I want to have, you know? But the criteria for me is that I don't want it to be. Something where like, I give it all my time. Like, you know how our parents, like, gave their whole lives to their jobs, you know, for important reasons.

Amaka (00:29:20) - For us, their kids, in order to keep a roof over their head and make sure there's food on the table. But I don't want that. To be. My reality. I don't want that for myself, so I am. Actively disavowing that belief that money is hard to get. And that's that's kind of where I am, you know? So that's just one example. And I encourage you guys that are listening to like really. Take some time. Sit with yourself. And. Think about what you hold true. For yourself. And if you really, really believe it for yourself, or is it a belief that was instilled in you? Is it agreement? Is it an agreement that you made subconsciously because of your environment and the people around you that you didn't really think about? And is it an agreement? Is it a belief that you genuinely hold dear? Now that you're older? And if you find that it's not. Being. Courageous enough. Perhaps being afraid. Feeling some fear. But still amidst the fear.

Amaka (00:30:55) - Being courageous enough to say I don't believe this anymore. I'm no longer going to connect myself to this agreement. I am divorcing myself from this. I am saying that this is no longer true for me. And I personally believe that. Just being aware is the first step. It's the first step, I believe. Changing anything in your life, whether it's financially based, whether it's relationship based, whether it's career based, like literally anything. The first step is being aware of your beliefs, being aware of the agreements that you have made, whether on your own or because of other people, and evaluating if it is truly true for you in this moment. And then if it's not leaving it, leaving it alone, not claiming it as true for yourself any longer. So I'm doing that work right now, especially like reintroducing this book to my daily life and reading it again. I am doing that work to, you know, think through what? What beliefs? What agreements did I make as a child that perhaps I am unaware of now, but rules my daily life and rules how I feel, rules how I interact with people? Is it truly true for me? Do I want to keep it as something that I believe? Or is it worth? Questioning.

Amaka (00:32:40) - And eventually abandoning. Will it? Will it make my life better if I keep it or if I lose it? So that is just a little snippet of the first chapter. And I just wanted to talk briefly about chapter two, which is the first agreement being be impeccable with your word. Which boils down to say what you mean and mean what you say. I take away. Most importantly from this chapter, how we speak to ourselves, how we talk to ourselves. And if you really sit and think about it sometimes. How we speak to ourselves. Our inner voices are cultivated by what was spoken into us growing up. I'll share a funny example of something that I became aware of some time ago, and it stopped me like a deer in the headlights. I don't know if I was in the kitchen when I realized this, and I just, I just stopped what I was doing. I was like, oh my God. So. Whenever, you know, going through my day. If I do something, if I do something that annoys me, like.

Amaka (00:34:08) - Like I'm like, girl, like, why'd you do that? Like, maybe like, you know, I put something in the fridge that's supposed to be in the freezer. Like something silly like that. I will scold myself in a Nigerian accent. Like for real. And I, you know, I'm I'm the type of person I like. I talk to myself like, I sometimes you just have to give yourself pep talks through the day. Sometimes I have to talk through thoughts that I have in my head, you know, things going on in my life whatsoever or what have you. So, you know. It's not unusual. You know, for me to just be talking to myself is if, like, I'm in the kitchen cooking or I'm cleaning or whatever. So I think maybe I was in the kitchen, I did something silly. I scolded myself in a Nigerian accent. In an Igbo accent. And that evil accent only comes out when I scold myself. Like when I'm talking to myself on a regular basis.

Amaka (00:35:15) - It's it's like it's it's the voice you're hearing now. There's no accent there. But let's say I. Puts ice cream that's supposed to be in the freezer, like I'm. I absentmindedly put it in the fridge, and then I come back 30 minutes later and it's in the fridge. I'll be like, oh my God, why did you do that? Like, you hear that? I'd be like, oh my God, what is wrong with you? Why did you put the the ice cream in the fridge? Like the accent will come out and. I realized one day that that accent, that scolding, evil accent came from my parents. The reason why I talk to myself in that way. When I do something. That I'm not pleased with with myself is because my voice of criticism. Are my mom and dad and they are Igbos. They are Nigerians, I am Nigerian. So. That's the voice that I hear as an adult living on my own. That's the voice that I hear when I do something that I don't like.

Amaka (00:36:42) - When I tell you when I realized this, I. I was beside myself, I was beside myself and I was so thankful. Because now I knew. Now I now I had that level of awareness. Like girl. Your inner critic is your parent's voice. And I know that I cannot be just me. I know that it can't just be me. Your inner voice may not be like an IBO parent with an accent, but. It's. It came from somewhere. It did not develop in a vacuum. You know. So. I'm encouraging whoever is listening right now, like, really sit and think. Your inner critical voice. Where did it come from? Where do they come from? Is it yours or is it from somebody else? Was it deposited in you as a child by your mother, your father, your grandparent, your caretaker, whoever, like, really sit and think about it. And see what comes up. See what you find to be true. So having realized that. I was like, okay, so I still catch myself sometimes scolding myself in an Igbo accent, but then I.

Amaka (00:38:34) - Switch it around. I'm like, girl, you did this thing. It was silly. It's not the end of the world. It's okay. Let's move on with our day. And. You know, that has really helped me. That has really helped me. The awareness, the awareness alone. I don't know why that came, but I'm just so thankful. Whether it was God like, I'm just so thankful. It was like a breakthrough. In that kitchen or wherever I was. So now when it happens, because it still happens like it is ingrained, it's ingrained. Like, I don't even know if I'll ever really be able to rid myself of it. But I think just knowing. Where it came from and being able being having tools now. That I draw from that self-awareness to actively fight against it is enough. It's enough. It may never go away, but at least. I know why it happens and where it comes from and every time it happens. I can. I can fight it.

Amaka (00:39:52) - That's the gift that I got from that. Revelation because it was a revelation. So, you know, the biggest lesson I got from that chapter? Being peekaboo with your word like it talks about the the effects that parents have on their children with the words that they say. It used an example of a woman who is a mom. She came home from a long day of work. Her temper was really short. She had really no tolerance for any noise. Her little daughter was in the house singing in her own world, being happy and not having a care. The mother, in her moments of not having enough understanding of, you know, what was going on, being so consumed by what she was feeling, told the daughter, shut up. You're you can't sing. Your voice is ugly. Like I don't want to hear it. Stop the noise. And that was the example in the book and about how the child internalized that. And even outside of that specific instance where the mother really it wasn't about the the daughter singing, it was about the mother who really had a hard day and really couldn't tolerate any noise.

Amaka (00:41:14) - But it just happened to be the noise of her daughter singing her heart out and being happy like she quenched that flame in her daughter, like completely doused that flame of love for singing. And the child grew up never singing again. And like, holding on to, like, agreeing with what the mother said and now it being locked in inside her as a belief. Ended. Sprouting as a seed as she grew and and it becoming it becoming more and more true and real for her. To the point where she never sang again. Like. That's why I really hope, when I am eventually a parent, that I am always aware, like I'm really trying to do the work now because I, I want to get my self awareness to the level where like I am as much as possible, aware of what I'm saying to my children, because what they what we say to them becomes their inner voice. You know, the words that we say towards them become spells. That's what the books uses. Like what we say every day, our little spells, what we say to the people around us can influence what they think.

Amaka (00:42:46) - And it might not have been something that they thought about before. This little girl was just in her own world singing and was having an amazing time. And now her mom cast the spell of her believing that she can't sing in that her voice is, you know, a nuisance and. Who knows if she got to the point where she could break free from that. But that's just an example of the power that our voice has. And the power that the words that come out of our mouth. The power that they have. So, you know, those are just the big things that I got from rereading those chapters ten years later. And, you know, there's still a few chapters left. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions and always do your best, which I'm going to cover in the next 1 or 2 episodes.

Amaka (00:43:54) - So yeah, I'm going to end the podcast episode here. I want to thank you guys for listening. As always. As always, I never take it for granted that you came to my podcast page and you picked an episode, whether it's this one or others, or decided to listen to all of them and press play and listened to my thoughts and.

Amaka (00:44:26) - You know, hopefully connected with something. And took something away that maybe elevates your level of self-awareness and helps you with. Your everyday life. So if you want to reach out to me, please do. feel free to email me at btbwpodcast@gmail.com. Again btbwpodcast@gmail.com. Please, if you like what you have been hearing so far, hit the follow button on Spotify. Hit the subscribe button on Apple Podcast. If you are loving what you are hearing, please you know. Write a review about how you are liking the content and are taking something away from these episodes. it really helps with, getting the, podcasts into other people's feeds so that they can hear what I chat about. And yeah, that's it. I hope you guys, at whichever point you're listening, are in a good place. And if things are challenging for you right now, I am sending you good vibes and love and support. And positive energy, any and all of those things. So yeah guys, thank you again and I will talk to you in the next episode.

Amaka (00:46:03) - Bye.