Episode 08: Adult Friendships & Living Alone

In this podcast episode, I share personal reflections on significant milestones from the past year, including graduation, family weddings, moving to a new apartment, and starting a new nursing job. I discuss the challenges of furnishing my apartment alone and the importance of asking for help. I also talk about my transition from student to professional, my role as a preceptor for nursing students, and the emotional toll it’s taken. I highlight the importance of adult friendships, and encourage listeners to reconnect with old friends.

Amaka (00:00:14) - Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. It's a mocha here. It is Saturday morning when I'm recording. I am sitting at my desk, per usual. And it's a beautiful day outside. So. Yeah, I just woke up. It's about, 8:45, and I like to, complete my episodes in the morning, so, like, I'll make sure I know what I'm talking about prior, and I'll wake up. I'll get dressed. So, no, I am not recording in my pajamas. I don't know, there's something about, like, at least getting decently dressed. That helps me with getting into the freedom of mind, of starting to record. So I will get up, change out of my pajamas into actual clothes, and then I'll like, check my setup and maybe think a little bit about what I'm going to talk about. And then I get going. So this podcast episode is not book focused. It's just going to be me kind of just talking with you guys, chatting a little bit.

Amaka (00:01:46) - I think I'm going to do these type of episodes every once in a while. You know, you you come and you listen to these episodes for a particular reason. And I am hoping that sharing my personal journey and sharing a little bit of my personality, you know, helps with kind of keeping you drawn in and feeling a type of closeness, you know, whatever type of closeness you can feel, with the listener and the person speaking, there's a particular content that I seek to share when it comes to like, books. And then, you know, from the mental health space, the therapy space, because that is my area of expertise. But I think, you know, I want to share a little bit more about myself on occasion. my musings, my thoughts, what's going on, you know, lessons. I feel like you can always learn lessons from other people. You don't necessarily have to always go through that struggle or challenge by yourself or on your own before you learn a lesson. You can certainly hear other people's stories, and you are able to take away from it something that will help you make better decisions in the future, or insight that will prevent you from making mistakes because of the stories that you've heard from others.

Amaka (00:03:28) - So yeah, I'm I felt compelled to kind of turn on the microphone today and kind of just. Share some thoughts, especially since it is almost mid-November when I am recording this and. The year is pretty much over. And I do not know where this year went. Like I. I don't know where it went. A lot happened. Like, I had a lot of big milestones, like my graduation, and then they had like family milestones. I had members, family members get married and like just so many different things on top of regular, not regular, but like, Expected milestones like birthdays and and all this stuff. So. I think also to. I say that I don't know where this year went. It went so fast. But. I kind of I think I understand a little bit why it feels like it went so fast, because in terms of not being in the same place the whole year, that wasn't the case for me. So like, I moved in town but still moved.

Amaka (00:05:05) - To a new apartment. around April. So, you know, there's the process up to moving where you. At least for me, I really, really try to not leave packing to the last minute because it's just so, like, I get so flustered about what needs to be done, so I tend to start. Granted, it's not like huge movements in terms of packing things, but I start to put things in different places and designate things like, like six weeks before I'm even starting, or maybe like a month, so like 4 to 6 weeks. So 4 to 6 weeks to actually moving into the apartment. I'm starting to get into the frame of mind of, okay, I need to do this. Let's start bringing in containers. Let's start organizing things. So you know, I'm coming out of the holiday season. That was Christmas New Year. And then still in school, still having to complete my assignments and everything like that. And now you throw in moving. So I'm slowly getting my mind right and prepping to move.

Amaka (00:06:33) - And then, you know, you finally move. And then that has come and gone. And then the next month was graduation. So now I am making sure all my ducks are in a row with assignments, making sure everything is submitted. Instructors are hounding the students because everyone is on deadline and you're trying to make sure you're squared away. Make sure your clinical hours are set. all the while tend to, you know, personal things. I had an anniversary at that time too, so I am planning what I want to do for that anniversary while making sure that everything is good for graduation and being cleared to graduate. and then planning for my family because I had, maybe like a 10 or 11 people come into town for graduation. So at this point I've moved. So I'm going through the process of furnishing my apartment, and I completely underestimated how much it takes to furnish an apartment, and I. I haven't lived on my own and maybe like four years. So I forgot how much you have to do on your own when you live alone.

Amaka (00:08:16) - Like everything's on me. I can't ask. You know, my roommate, if he or she can help with this, like. No, it's just me in this space. Either I pay to have this TV stand assembled or this coffee table assembled, or do it myself. So, like, moving was not the beginning and the end. Moving was the end of a point and the beginning of another. So like I got here, I don't think I was fully settled into my place until about four weeks in. To me. That's a long time. I don't know if that's long or short for other folks, but to me it's a long time because I moved in April and like I said, I'm I'm working on other things. I am making sure I'm good when it comes to school requirements for graduation. I am ordering all this furniture that's coming to my apartment, and I am opening all these boxes and reading the instructions. Some of the furniture was from Ikea, some was from Wayfair. You know, like everything coming from some from Amazon, like.

Amaka (00:09:47) - And I had to do all this myself. And now that I'm thinking back to that time, it wasn't easy. Oh my God, I would, And working to, like, you know, everyone has 1,000,001 things going on. So my coffee table would come. I probably wouldn't, even depending on how tired I was. Maybe I would open the box that night. Not even, like, pull out the pieces to assemble. Usually when the week would, like, die down. Or maybe I would have a burst of energy during the week and I didn't really have anything urgent to complete. I would be like, okay, let's take the next hour or so when I assemble this coffee table, let's assemble this, TV stand. and then my couch and then my little dining room area. I assembled that too. And then the lamp that I bought for the living room had to assemble that my little bookshelf for all my books. Had to assemble that my desk for my room assembled, that my little Ikea storage area assembled that.

Amaka (00:11:09) - So it was never ending for a while, and the boxes were just sitting in my apartment for a while because I can't just throw the boxes into the trash. You know, it's an apartment building. I'm going to have to break them down. So I had to take time to break down the boxes. It was a process. I'm just saying all this to say it was a process. You know, and I wanted to make sure that the apartment was in tip top shape before my family came for graduation. So I felt like I had a deadline looming, which in a way, I think is good. Perhaps I wouldn't have felt such a sense of urgency if I didn't have people coming from out of town. but that doesn't take away from the fact that it was hard, and I did it all on my own. which sometimes I hold as, like, a badge of honor, but, With things like that. Not so much anymore. Like I used to, really. And I still do.

Amaka (00:12:22) - Like I pride myself on being really, really independent, but it has. Come to my awareness. You know that that is compensation for perhaps how you grew up. You know, I've been on my own since I was 21, and it's not like I was living on my own and I had family close by like, no, my my family was a whole time zone away. So, you know, it's like, do or die. You have to figure things out and then it's good for you. You know, on the positive side, because you build confidence and you have a sense of. Self-sufficiency. Like no matter what. Balls to the wall. If it needs to get done, it'll get done like hell or high water. If you have to be the one to do it, you'll do it. But that's not always healthy. It's not always healthy. It can set you up for feeling so overwhelmed. Because you feel like you have to do all of this and you don't have anyone to ask for help.

Amaka (00:13:50) - So. Yeah, I'm working on that. I'm working on. Not feeling like I have to do everything by myself. It's slow. It's a slow process because my default is like, okay, I can do it, you know, and also to you, you. You like things a certain way. You like things done a certain way. And if you, you know, have someone do it for you, it might get done, but it might not get done how you want it. So, you know, within the realization of. Being more open to ask for help. I also need to be more open to not having things possibly be done the way I want them to be done. You know, so I am trying to be more aware of that too. Like. I don't have to do everything on my own. One. And secondly, everything that needs to get done around me doesn't necessarily have to get done in the way I think is perfect, because that's just it. That's just the way I think it should be.

Amaka (00:15:06) - That's the way I think it should look. Doesn't necessarily mean that's the right way. So yeah, just thoughts and musings. So yeah, like we had graduation and then literally the next week I had a very close family member get married, so that like next seven ish days were focused on, you know, kind of just getting ready for that, tying up loose ends and making sure I made myself available however way I could. And then, you know, after that was, is board study for like eight weeks. And that was, that took all my summer practically. I took my boards. When? July 24th. Yeah, that took most of my summer. But like, I'm like, I want to take this test and take it once and not have to take it again, because I do know folks who had to take it again. And I, I think that I wasn't too serious about board studying in the beginning. But then, you know, I don't know if this happens to everybody, but I kind of had that come to Jesus moment of like, oh, you better get serious, or you just might fail this test.

Amaka (00:16:44) - And I feel like if I didn't make that change and become more serious, it was a real possibility. But thankfully, I got to the point where I felt like I was over studying. So I was like, okay, I'm ready. Like, you get to that point. I don't ever really think I got to that point with the NCLEX, but. I got to that point with studying for my NP exam. So I was like, okay, I think I'm good. And it was funny because I had scheduled the test for a certain time on that day, and then they called me. Or was it earlier that morning or the night before? I think they called me earlier that morning and was like, hey, we we actually have like some morning availability if you want to push your exam up. And I was like, okay, sure. Yeah. So I took that as a sign like, girl, you're ready, just go. Just go and take it. And thankfully I passed and that chapter was closed.

Amaka (00:17:49) - So then you move on to at that time, too, I was transitioning out of one nursing job to another. I had gotten to the point where I knew that I had to leave my current nursing job, and I was really starting to not look forward to going to work. I was not happy with the folks that were managing the place that I worked at as a nurse. I didn't feel like I was. And it's not just me, you know, and a lot of people are having this issue now. The management did not value their staff. And it was, you know, evident in how people were coming and going. Nurses were starting and leaving. So I got to the point where I decided to look for a new gig, and I did. I was also working on closing out my position there, which wasn't too hard and was orienting at my new position. And yeah, there's always something on its way out and something new that's walking in, going into the fall, just working on the whole process of making sure that I get my applications in for certification for the different states that I want to be licensed in.

Amaka (00:19:23) - And then starting my presenting position. So I am now eight weeks in just about eight weeks in, and I have completed the first half of the semester. I had four, I have four groups, and the first two groups, their clinical was the first six weeks of this semester. So now I'm currently in the second six weeks with two new groups. and you know, when you are starting something new, you have all these. Questions and you're like, can I do this? You know. I certainly felt that way going in. You know, I talked about it on another episode. I was like, what in the world? I am not an expert. And I had to be like, girl, you are. Whether you feel that way or not, you are an expert. You have gotten this degree in this field from a school that is perceived to be highly, highly, highly reputable. People are going to look to you. For expertise. People are going to look to you to teach.

Amaka (00:20:47) - People are going to look to you to consult. So if you don't feel that way, you better get to feeling that way, because it's not going to not be that not be the case. So this was, I think, my first. Realization, or the first time I had to, kind of sit and confront that like I'm not a student anymore. Literally and figuratively. Like I'm always going to be learning. But when it comes to the professional space, I'm not a student anymore. And I don't know if folks have to, like, actually sit and shift that in their mind because we are in school. Up until like I don't know, early to mid 20s, sometimes into our 30s, you know, depending on if you want to do a career change. 40s 50s like it doesn't matter. But typically you are in school for like forever up until you're not. And you espouse this identity of students. And then you're done and you have to separate yourself from that identity. It's not an overnight thing, and I think I'm still going through it a little bit, but less so because I have.

Amaka (00:22:18) - Been able to get through these eight weeks and meet these students who are juniors and college. So they're like 19, 20 and. You know, share my knowledge with them that I have in this field of psychiatry and mental health. while also trying to build a rapport with them, you know? And. Make them feel like they can talk to me about, you know, any concerns that they have, you know, within the clinical space, any thoughts that they might be having about psychiatry in general and mental health in general? And I think I hope that at least for my first two cohorts, that they. Came away. With a better understanding of the fields. like when I met them for the first time, I was like, guys. Like I asked them, when you think of psychiatry, when you think of psychiatric units and patients, what do you think of? And, you know, they they talked about what they see in the movies, about how you have these crazy patients running around the halls smearing feces, screaming curse words like, you know, society and media can really paint a bleak picture about what it means to be, A psychiatric patient or someone with mental illness.

Amaka (00:24:01) - And I had an idea that that was what at least a few students might have in mind. Like some of them said, when we were kind of talking before we started, I was like, tell me what you're feeling. You know, outside of what your impression of what this experience would be. And they're like, I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm a little scared. And, you know, a lot of that was stemming from what they think they know to be true about, you know, this whole, psychiatric settings. So. At the end of the clinical experience. You know, I asked them, so how do you feel about things now? And I would say for all of them, they were like, it wasn't what I thought it was. And that was ultimately my goal. You know, that's definitely one of my goals as a practitioner to mitigate the stigma, to change the perception. You know, psychiatry and mental health is on a spectrum, a very large one. You have.

Amaka (00:25:14) - Folks who, yes, need a very structured, very strong. Supports like level of support because their illness is debilitating and they really have no control. And then you have the opposite end of the spectrum where people like you and me. Are struggling with. Mental health challenges every day. We are just functioning through. We are just functioning in society as best we can amidst that and are actively looking for ways to. Make every day better. You know, we are working on cultivating coping skills and deconstructing. Breaking down how we think and trying to, divorce all schools of thought and be open to new ways of thinking and feeling and being. So there's a spectrum. Everyone is struggling with something. Some people struggle is inward and they're able to mask it or not have it be kind of out in the open and they're able to deal with it internally or within their private space. Some people don't have that luxury. Some people just can't. You know, some people need help in a setting that is more clinical.

Amaka (00:26:53) - And that's okay. That's okay. So I was glad when my students said, yeah, this experience really helped me see that what I thought was true was not true, and that everyone that I spoke to were just like me, you know? And everyone just wants to feel like they matter. And you know that they feel heard and they're not being silenced or being ignored. So I. I said going into this, that this would be my main goal. And if this is the only thing that I accomplish, then I think I did something right. and I think it's working out, so I'm happy about that at least. So yeah, I am working with my two groups in my second cohort now, and we have a few weeks left. The semester will be winding down after Thanksgiving, which is only a couple of weeks away at this point. So that's been quite the experience. Would I ever precept again? I don't know. I don't know. I think I have to think about that a little bit.

Amaka (00:28:11) - I enjoy the fact that the students are having a good experience and are learning something, but I don't know if it's my favorite thing to do. I'll be honest, I feel like and this is why I know why. When I'm coming to the hospital or the facility, I need to be on. Like my my current group, I have two groups right now. One group has seven students, which is a lot, and my second group has four students. So, you know, I that's not really in my personality. Like when I'm in the mood to be talking to people and be more extroverted and, you know, out there like, I'll, I'll do that. But it's like almost like I have to force it when I'm with my students because I need to be that teacher for them. I need to be that preceptor for them. You know, I need to be talking like my default is not to talk. I think my default for me is to listen. I'm a listener. I'm a listener.

Amaka (00:29:19) - And, you know, as you get older, you you really get to know yourself. I'm trying to become more comfortable with being a talker, you know? because I feel like I have interesting thoughts that I like to share. I'm a big, like, obviously, look at this podcast. It's because of books. So, like, I'm not talking when I'm reading. I am reading words. I am listening to the voice in my head that is reading these books to me. So I'm not talking. I'm not naturally a talker. But when I read it stirs up so many emotions and like I want to get them out. So that was the reason I started this podcast in the first place. But if you catch me on any particular day, I'm going to be the one asking you questions so that you could talk. I like to listen. I like to listen. so yeah, I have to be on for my students. I have to be the one talking. So when as as fulfilling as this experience has been in terms of helping me grow and seeing what my capabilities are that I didn't know before, it is exhausting.

Amaka (00:30:42) - It's exhausting. I come home and I'm like, dang, like I am spent. And it's not that I really like did any heavy lifting physically or anything like that, but like internally, I'm exhausted because I constantly am making sure my students are okay. And you know, I'm always talking to them. I'm wanting to hear their thoughts. I'm offering them insight on perhaps this patient we saw and what could possibly be their background and why they're behaving the way they're behaving. And then we have pre-conference where we are. When I talk to them about what we're going to do on the unit, and then I have post conference with them where we're talking about what happened while we were on the unit that evening. So there's a lot of talking on my end, and I have to, like, mentally prepare myself before going in for that clinical shift with them. because I probably don't do as much talking. Within the 1 to 2 days before I have to go in and do that. And not naturally. Being that, you know, it can take a lot out of you.

Amaka (00:31:54) - So from that space, I would say probably I probably wouldn't do this again. But my natural inclination for not wanting to be a talker would be over. Like that would not outweigh. The possibility of doing it again. If I knew that, I would have a positive impact of of on other people in the future. So yeah, those those are my thoughts on that. So, you know, click conflicting emotions. But everything can be true like I'm. I'm really appreciative for this job, but I'm actually not going to be sad when it's done. From the space of I won't have to be on so much and be on 100. You know when I am in it. But I will have really appreciated what it has given me and. The opportunity to have an impact on the students that I have encountered. So that's that. With that, and also to I, I've been thinking about, well, okay, let me start let me start this way. So, you know, I was struggling.

Amaka (00:33:09) - I was scrolling through social media. I saw an old friend from high school who had posted and she doesn't post often. So I was like, oh my God, like she posted. So I sent her a comment. Like I just wrote a comment like, hey, like, I hope you're doing really well because I hadn't seen anything from her in a really long time. And then a little while later she messaged me. She private message me like, hey, I don't know if you're still if you live in New York or you're in nearby, like, we should meet up. And I was like, yes, yes, we should meet up because. Like I think about. How? Friendships, adult friendships they need. I think personally, I don't. Everyone may not agree with me, but I feel like adult friendships need. Effort to sustain because it's so easy to get distracted and engulfed in everything that's going on in day to day life. But adult friendships are important, and I would even say they're necessary.

Amaka (00:34:26) - So she was one of those people in high school who I was cool with. But I wish that I had the opportunity to, like, get to know her better, like, like become closer. So, like, literally when I saw that message from her, like it had made my day because I was like, oh my God, like, this is one of those people who, you know, you kind of feel like you missed your opportunity to really. Deepen that relationship and really get to know them. So I was like, like we set we set a day to meet up that day. And then we met up a couple of weeks later. We talked for like two plus hours and it felt really good, you know? So I'm just saying that for anyone out there who maybe has 1 or 2 people on their mind who, you know, they. Would love to have gotten closer to you in the past, whether it's from college or whether it's from high school. Like, you know, there's always the possibility that maybe it doesn't end how it ended with my friend, you know, her reaching out to me, me being so excited, and then us scheduling a date that day and meeting up and following through with plans.

Amaka (00:35:47) - I know that that might not always end that way, but like if you see someone on social media or they come to mind and you think of them as a person who you wish you had gotten closer to, like hit them up, reach out to them. If you have their phone number, contact them directly. If you are friends with them on social media, like send them a message. You never know and then you might have an old friendship be rekindled and have it be a new friendship that is now in your life. This person who was in your past is now in your life again, and you guys are both adults. So things have changed. Like this friend that I met, a couple of weeks ago. It has been almost ten years since I've seen her. So, you know, you never know. You never know. Shoot your shot, as they say. And that phrase is used a lot in the context of, you know, romantic interest. But friends. Friends are just as important, if you ask me.

Amaka (00:37:01) - Friends are just as important as romantic relationships. Just as important. You need friendships. You cannot be an island or you cannot just. It cannot just be you and your partner because you. You can't get everything you need from one person. And people might disagree, because that's what a lot of us are made to believe that our partner, our spouse, our boyfriend, girlfriend, whoever is supposed to be everything to us, that's just not possible. That's just not possible. And the sense of community building is not prioritized anymore like we are. We are socialized to seek out everything we need in one person, and also two that prevents us sometimes from even doing the work that we need to do internally in ourselves. Because I personally think that when you're coming to into a relationship with someone, whether it's friendship or relationship, like you need to have a check in with yourself. Are you working on yourself? Are you making sure that you are not two halves of a hole, but rather two holes who are deciding to live life together side by side rather than intertwined? You know, are you a full person with a full life who is now deciding that you want to live life alongside this other whole person? I feel like.

Amaka (00:38:52) - That's something. People don't think enough about. And it sets people up for disappointment. It does because we are looking for things in other people that they just can't give us. And I'm not saying that in, A negative way. I'm saying it in like. It's just not within their capacity. Whether it's, you know, how they grew up, they're just personal perspectives. Not right or wrong. It's just fact. So, you know, with that not being able to get. What you think your partner should give you. You work on yourself and see. In what ways am I incomplete to where I can improve and become as whole as possible? And then do I have community around me that can come to where they can pour into me and I can pour into them, you know, while being whole but appreciating human interaction and conversation and rich discourse. It's important. It's important. So yeah, I really appreciated so much that she reached out to me. Because friendships are important and not only in name, but indeed in an act like effort has to be made.

Amaka (00:40:35) - Show the person that you appreciate them. Show the person that you love them. Tell them that you love them. Tell your friends that you love them. You know that expression is should not only be reserved for romantic spaces like tell your friends that you love them. That they mean so much to you that they are so important to you in your life. Because you appreciate the back and forth that you guys have. You appreciate the dynamic between you two or 3 or 4, however many people. So I think I'm going to end the podcast here. This was, like I said, just kind of me talking and sharing what's on my mind and. I'll probably do these every so often because I think, you know, like I said earlier, listeners come here for a specific type of content, but I think that it helps to feel a little bit more connecting when you connected, when you feel connected to the person. So that's what I hope these, you know, non book focused episodes offer. So if you listened.

Amaka (00:41:54) - To everything that I said. This podcast, if you listen to the End. Thank you so much. I really. I say this at the end of every podcast, but it is true. Like, I appreciate you guys. You don't have to listen to this podcast. You don't have to listen to these episodes. I'm just someone who decided, hey, I'm going to start this. And I bought a microphone and I downloaded a recording program, and here I am. And you guys are like, hey, I like her. I like what she's doing. I'm gonna listen, I'm gonna follow. It does not go unnoticed and I don't take it for granted. Like, thank you guys so much. Please, submit a review on Apple Podcasts. If you like this podcast and like this episode. Please share, recommend the podcast or specific episodes to friends, family, whoever you think might like it and benefit. Please subscribe. Please do all the things. and I'd love to hear from you guys.

Amaka (00:43:09) - If you feel compelled to reach out to me directly, just hit me up via email at btbwpodcast@gmail.com. Again, that's btbwpodcast@gmail.com. So yeah guys, thank you again and I will talk to you all soon. Be well.

(00:43:32) - All right. Bye.