Episode 13: Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed
In this episode of the podcast, I talk about moving to New York and starting my new job, which has increased in level of stress. She records the podcast from her car in a lovely park, emphasizing adaptability making the most of the situation in from of you. Amaka discusses "Tiny Beautiful Things" by Cheryl Strayed, focusing part of the segment on a column about a young writer seeking recognition without effort. Amaka also touches on family dynamics and the importance of setting boundaries for mental well-being, drawing insights from Strayed's compassionate advice.
TRANSCRIPT
Amaka 00:00:14 Hey, y'all. I'm gonna explain to you why I am laughing in a second, but hey, guys, welcome back to the podcast The Biblio Therapy for Black Women podcast. I'm your host, Amaka. Excuse my voice. I'm not sure what's going on. It literally just started an hour ago, but the show must go on. I got to get this episode recorded and by any means necessary. So I don't know if it was the last episode or the previous episode. I was talking about how I still don't really have a standard setup for recording episodes. I find myself kind of just trying to get them in where I can versus before I moved, I had a specific day, a specific time, a specific place. and that's still the case. I still don't have a set situation when it comes to recording. So yeah, I was laughing in the beginning because I am in my car right now. I have a setup going here. I have my laptop, I have my microphone. I'm sitting in a park, because I needed somewhere quiet to where background noise would be limited.
Amaka 00:01:47 And yeah, I'm at I'm in this really nice park at the time of recording. it's like late afternoon. I'm sitting in my back seat, and I'm getting this done by any means necessary, because this podcast is very important to me, has become very important to me. And I am yet to miss an episode. And I really don't want that to happen unless there is a planned absence for a period of time. I don't want it to be because I'm not able to figure logistics out. So here I am. I'm like, where can I go? That's quiet, that's peaceful. That I could kind of be with my thoughts, that there would be very few, if any interruptions. And I was like, the park. So I'm here right now and it's working out. This might be my new situation when it comes to recording, and I'm not mad at it. I could probably use more time in a park around trees and fresher air and everything like that. So that's what's going on right now.
Amaka 00:03:05 If you need to kind of picture where I am, I am in my back seat. I have my little portable desk. My laptop is on the desk, my microphone is on the desk. I have my book and my iPad in my lap and we're getting this going. So how have I been lately? I've been good. I'm still adjusting to my new life, my transition. This month will be three months that I've moved, and three months in my new job. And I'm still adjusting. That's all I can say, really. Sometimes I wonder, am I taking too long? I should be fully adjusted now. And I go back and I'm like, no, no. it's going to take however long it takes for me to feel fully settled and might take three months. It might take six months, it might take a year. Who knows? But I am living a completely different life than I was three months ago. The pace has completely changed. The stress level has increased. I'm not even going to lie.
Amaka 00:04:20 I think that's the biggest part for me that I am trying to work through and I need to figure out how to regularly de-stress. And I have tools, but I think because of how much my day to day schedule has changed, it has been harder for me. It's been harder for me to journal more regularly. It's been harder for me to meditate regularly. just kind of doing everything I used to do with more ease because I had more time. It's harder for me to do now, but I need it now. I need it more now than I did then. So this is where I am right now. my stress level has gone up and I need to work again to bring it back down. And that means reprioritizing the tools that helped me before I moved, even though it's harder now. But it's not impossible. You know, I just need to get a little bit more creative. So that's in the forefront of my mind right now, trying to figure that out. And as I figure it out, I will talk to you guys about it.
Amaka 00:05:40 I will let you know how things are going. I will let you know if my stress is improving. but yeah, that's life. You know, you have your more stressful periods and you have your less stressful periods, and you just have to wade through it all and figure it out as you go and the press. There's nothing wrong with the process. You have to continue to give yourself grace and compassion, and always remember that you are doing your best. I'm talking to me more than you guys right now. But, you know, I think, you know, no matter what, anyone who's listening might also appreciate this, you know, offering yourself grace and compassion through this process because it's not easy. And your best is going to vary from second to second. Literally, my best varies from second to second, these days. but in the grand scheme of things, everything is good and everything is going to get better. So one huge highlight for me though is I started swimming lessons last week.
Amaka 00:06:58 I have been wanting to learn how to swim for real, for real for a very long time. I was able to teach myself how to float in the water so I can float. And I was from there. I was kind of able to teach myself how to kind of like swim, quote unquote, on my back very slowly, because I kind of just move my arms in a very kind of like, you know, flowy type of pace in the water. And I slowly move my body. But I am taking legitimate swimming lessons so I can learn the different strokes and I can learn how to control my breathing. And I, you know, kind of progress from there because I really love I love being in the water, and I love how I feel when I'm like swimming, quote unquote. Like when I'm on my back and I'm kind of moving. it's a very good workout. And for me is one of those types of exercises that don't feel like exercise because I'm just having fun. But then when I come out of the water and I am done, I my body feels like it has done so much work, which is good, you know, because you don't feel it.
Amaka 00:08:14 I don't feel it in the water, but I feel it when I come out. and I really get, you know, a good, good workout from that. So I'm in the position now to be able to afford private swim lessons. So I was like, this April, we're going to get it going. I'm a member of my local YMCA. So I reached out to them, ask them, how can I go about signing up for private lessons? They told me how to do it and I did it, and I did my first. I had my first lesson last Thursday with this older black gentleman, probably in his like early to mid 60s. He told me about how he learned how to swim when he was like 42 or something. So it's really never too late to learn how to swim or to really do anything. And now he's an instructor, like he does private lessons, he does group lessons, he does group classes. So I was really inspired to hear him say that. And I was really eating up everything he told me in our first lesson.
Amaka 00:09:21 We covered a lot. We covered, you know, just how to breathe in the water. we covered how to kind of enter the water when you're trying to start swimming. but we mostly focused on breathing technique for the first class. And yeah, he's a very warm teacher, a very encouraging Teacher. And I felt good, I felt good, from when I first met him, he was. He just has that, like, really warm personality that, you know, charismatic that, many people can be attracted to. So great teacher. I'm looking forward to my lesson this week and, you know, the next six weeks, because it's an eight week class. So, yeah, that's probably, like the biggest change in my life right now. outside of work and just day to day stuff. You guys, I'm sure, have already seen the title of this episode. It's called. we were talking about the book, dear Sugar. Let me, let me read the entire title, tiny Beautiful Things and Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar and the author is Cheryl Strayed.
Amaka 00:10:38 I hope I'm seeing her last name right. I have heard Of this book many times, and I have known about this book for a very long time. And the first place that I heard it from was my leek teal, who I follow on Instagram, and I have followed her for a very, very long time, probably almost as long as I've been on Instagram. I've been a consumer of my leek teals content, not just on Instagram, but with her podcast, and everything she shares. She's just a great resource and I'm sure a great person. I've never met her in in real life, but from what I glean from what she shares, she seems to be a very genuine, sweet, warm, dedicated, hard working person. So anything that, she shares, I usually make a mental note. And this book was one of the first things I remember seeing from her when I first started following her. Oftentimes she does Q&A and, people might ask, you know, what's like a go to book or what's like a life library type of book than you need to have in your personal library.
Amaka 00:11:59 And oftentimes this book is what she would mention. so it's been on my list for a while and I decided to finally read it. It's also been recommended by 1 or 2 other people who I follow. But when I think of this book, I think of my leek. because she's the one who mentioned it first that I heard and continuously after that. So essentially, this book is a collection of column responses from Cheryl Strayed. She is responding to letters that people sent to her about all different types of things in life, whether it's about work, family, dating, sex, anything and everything. They write to her about it and based on her life experience and what she knows to be true, she will respond. So there are a little, maybe between 60 and 70 letters and responses to letters in this book, but obviously we're not going to go through all of them. I'm going to pick a few to talk about ones that I read, and I kept thinking about after I finished the book.
Amaka 00:13:22 The first one that I loved a lot was Write Like a motherfucker. I read that column Response and the letter and it brought me back to again my league, who often fields a lot of questions from consumers of her content that say, you know, how do I do this? And how do I do that? How do I pivot? How do I make myself an expert? How do I make myself a go to, how do I start my business? You know, she gets a lot of questions in regards to kind of professional leveling up and a theme in a lot of her responses is you just got to do the work, because a lot of times folks want an answer that kind of gives them a shortcut or kind of like, a major key or something that's like a secret on how to get the results, but not have to do the work to get the results. And time and time again, my week is like, you got to do the work. Figure out how to do. Figure out what work is needed to where you need to go to get to where you need to go and do it.
Amaka 00:14:55 You know. And that's not always the response that I think folks want, but it's the it's the response that's true. It's the response that's needed. and if there's anything that has taught me that, you just have to do the work, it's recording this podcast, because in order to have content to talk to you guys about every couple of weeks, I need to read, I need to up my knowledge game, you know, whether it's books, whether it's Psychiatry stuff. You know, reading journals and reference books for topics like depression, which I've done in the past, and anxiety, which I plan to do soon, and other topics like you just there's no cutting corners with the podcast like this, you know, like it's either I read or I don't, and if I don't, then I have nothing to share or it's harder to have content to share. So if there's something that has taught me that you just need to do the work, it's it's, you know, it's this long term project that I have embarked on and there's so many other things like this, you know, different types of professions.
Amaka 00:16:14 You can't bullshit your way out of success, like true success. You can't bullshit your way out of it. And if you feel like you have, it's probably going to be very short lived. It's not going to be the type of success that stands the test of time. So this column, this particular column and response. This 26 year old female wrote in to Cheryl, talking about how she feels like she should be. She should have more recognition at this point as a writer. She's 26 and with the work that she has already done, she feels like she should be known more. She should be kind of like at a more elevated place with her writing. And because of that, she doesn't really feel like she's upset with where she is as a 26 year old writer. and she feels like more people should be, more people should take her work seriously, and she feels like she's supposed to have more accolades and be more recognized for her work. So with that, Cheryl responded to her, and I'm going to read a couple of excerpts of the response.
Amaka 00:17:44 When I was done writing it, I understood that things happen just as they were meant to, that I couldn't have written my book before I did. I simply wasn't capable of doing so, either as a writer or as a person. To get to the point, I had to get to write. To get to write my first book. I had to do everything I did in my 20s. I had to write a lot of sentences and never turn into anything. In stories that never miraculously formed a novel, I had to read voraciously and compose exhaustive entries in my journals. I had to waste time and grieve my mother, and come to terms with my childhood to have and have stupid and sweet and scandalous sexual relationships and grow up. In short, I had to gain the self-knowledge that Flannery O'Connor mentions in that quote I wrote on my chalkboard. And the quote that she is referring to is the first product of self-knowledge is humility. Do you know what that is, sweet pea? To be humble. The word comes from the Latin word humorless and humus, to be down low, to be of the earth, to be on the ground.
Amaka 00:18:55 That's where I went when I wrote the last word of my first book, straight onto the cool tiled floor to weep, I sobbed and I willed, and I laughed through my tears. I didn't get up for a half an hour. I was too happy and grateful to stand. I had turned 35 a few weeks before I was two months pregnant with my first child. I didn't know if anyone would think my book was good or bad or horrible or beautiful, and I didn't care. I only knew I no longer had two hearts beating in my chest. I'd pull one out with my own bare hands. I'd suffered. I'd given it everything I had. I'd finally been able to give it because I'd let go of all the grandiose ideas at once had about myself and my writing. So talented, so young, I stopped being grandiose. It was only then, when I humbly surrendered, that I was able to do the work that I needed to do. And then further on in the column, the most fascinating thing to me about your letter is that buried beneath all the anxiety and sorrow and fear and self-loathing, there is arrogance at its core.
Amaka 00:20:14 It presumes you should be successful at 26, when really it takes most writers so much longer to get there. It laments that you'll never be as good as David Foster Wallace, a genius, a master of the craft, while at the same time describing how little you write. You loathe yourself, and yet you're consumed by the grandiose ideas you have about your own importance. You're up too high and down too low. Neither is the place where we get any work done. We get the work done on the ground level, and the kindest thing I can do for you is to tell you to get your ass on the floor. I know it's hard to write, darling, but it's harder not to. The only way you'll find out if you have it in you is to get to work and see if you do. The only way to override your limitations, insecurities, jealousies, and ineptitude is to produce. You have limitations. You are in some ways inept. This is true of every writer, and it's especially true of writers who are 26.
Amaka 00:21:19 You will feel insecure and jealous. How much power you give those feelings is entirely up to you. But the best possible thing you can do is get your ass down onto the floor, right? So blazingly good that you can't be framed. Nobody's going to ask you to write about your vagina, hun. Nobody's going to give you a thing. You have to give it to yourself. You have to tell us what you have to say. Now, I'm skipping around in this column excerpt, but I mean, what she says is pretty clear. This 26 year old woman is lamenting and not about not being a successful writer, but hasn't done the work to become a successful writer. And, you know, there's so many different ways we can go with this within the context of 2022 and the type of life that we live in nowadays and, social media and everything and feeling like everyone has it all, and we're supposed to be in a certain stage of life at a certain time, but there's so much that we don't see, and whatever we see, a lot of it is frivolous.
Amaka 00:22:37 A lot of it is. Not legitimate. You know, when it comes to real success, there's so much work that goes into it, work that is not seen, and work that had to start somewhere. When you think about the people who are on top, who are experts in their fields, who are the go to opinions about specific topics, a lot of times they have been working in those fields forever, you know, and they started as an intern or they started as an assistant and they literally had to work their way up day by day, hour by hour, task by task and they had to be, you know, the underdog, and they had to take on work responsibilities and no one else took on, and they had to go to work early and stay late. And, you know, not I'm not advocating for, you know, that type of life in terms of giving your whole life to your job. But ultimately, what I'm saying is in order to get to expert level, you have to pass intermediate level.
Amaka 00:23:55 In order to get to intermediate level, you have to start at beginner level. You have to be a novice. You have to be an infant in the fields where you're trying to get to the top. And in this excerpt, the 26 year old woman wanted the accolades and the recognition of an expert writer, but she wasn't working at the level of an expert writer. She wasn't producing at the level of an expert writer. But I mean, as Sheryl Crow pointed out, she was arrogantly and perhaps even delusional, only wanting praise and accolades in the way that an expert writer would. But she hadn't done the work to do so. So that was what I took away from that particular story. You know, like, first of all, you could work forever in your field and never get to where you think you should be. So it might be a good question to ask, what are you doing this for? Are you doing this like in the case of the woman? Is she writing because she loves to write, or is she writing because she wants to be a famous writer and she wants to be known for writing? Or does she really just want to write.
Amaka 00:25:20 Cheryl talked about in her response about how ultimately, it didn't really matter what came from the book that she wrote. She just needed to get it out of herself. And I think for many writers, that's what sort of that's what it's about. It's not about getting recognition for what you write. That's extra. If it happens, that's great, but it's about the writing. It's about doing what your body feels like it needs to do no matter what happens. So the 26 year olds, you know, you have to wonder, was she writing because she loved to write? Was she willing to do the work, or did she just want, you know, to be known as a great writer? And Cheryl kind of put it plain to her, like, you're doing this all for the wrong reasons. Do you really want to write? You know, and I, I, I put forth that question to anyone who's listening right now. Like, if there's anything out there that you're really wanting to do, like, are you wanting to do it for the right reasons, or are you wanting to do it because of what people will perceive from you? you know, really think about what that answer is and, go from there.
Amaka 00:26:43 So, you know, when it came to this particular chapter, what I got from it is one, you got to do the work if you really are, really are really about it. Get down to the ground floor and do the work. And if you don't want to do the work, then what do you want to do? If you don't want to do the work for that particular thing, what are you willing to do the work for? Maybe that's something that you need to consider as something that is more in line with what you want to do and what your passions are. So the next two, columns I wanted to talk about were of similar themes. The first one is Noah's Golden, and the second one is a glorious something else. So for these two letters, the writers talked about family members who they have had very tumultuous relationships with. For Noah's Golden, it was a woman who was getting married, and she had had a very rocky relationship with her father, and she was contemplating whether to invite him to her wedding.
Amaka 00:27:58 Her fiance thought that she should, but he wasn't really privy to what she had gone through. In a glorious something else, the writer of the letter talked about their brother, who had emotionally terrorized them since they were young, and they no longer wanted to be involved in the brother's behavior, they no longer wanted to really communicate with the brother, and it was going to be tough because the parents were still having a hard time kind of standing their ground with the brother. So ultimately, with both of these letters, Cheryl responded, saying that it's tough when it comes to family. In the case of the father and Noah's golden and the brother and a glorious something else, because we're oftentimes made to feel like we have to tolerate anything family does because they're family and they're blood. But Cheryl took an approach with these letters, which I very much agree to you and actually have made decisions based on this. in my life, that family is family, right? That's all well and true, but family does not get a pass to treat you like shit because they're family.
Amaka 00:29:30 boundaries are important in cases like these. Like in Noah's Enough, where the father has had a very rocky relationship with the daughter and drinking has been involved, and she did not want to worry about what her dad would do at her wedding, since his behavior can be very unpredictable. And Cheryl was like, you have every right. You have every right not to invite your father to your wedding. And in a glorious something else, when the writer was talking about how their brother has terrorized them emotionally, and how they just don't have the wherewithal to deal with them anymore. Cheryl said, you're very much within your rights and capabilities to discontinue communication with your brother. It's okay. And I'm also very much amongst those who believe that if it comes to that, if it comes to making the decision for your own mental health and well-being, that communication needs to be severed or temporarily discontinued by someone who is unfortunately, a family member, then if that's what you need to do, that's what you need to do, and you're very well within your right to do it.
Amaka 00:30:57 I talked a little bit about this in a previous episode when I was discussing Nedra Tawwab book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace. Sometimes you have to set boundaries with family members because if you just continue to let them do what they do, you're only harming yourself by letting them have access in that way. You know, letting the father have access to the daughter who is getting married and her not one not knowing how exactly he's going to behave on a day as important as her wedding day, and remembering everything that he's done to her in the past. Like, I totally agreed with Sheryl when she said, you have every right not to invite your father to your wedding, and many people may not understand your decision making. Your future husband may not understand your decision making, but it's okay if you know that you're going to feel better. And if you know that mentally, you're going to be able to get through your day better without wondering what unpredictable behavior he might do, then he doesn't have to come. And in a glory is something else.
Amaka 00:32:15 Cheryl tells the writer that you do not have to subject yourself to the emotional damage that your brother may impart on you coming home for Christmas, because you want to see your parents. And it's unfortunate because the parents are in the middle, but it's not necessarily the writer's responsibility to try and manage that or, you know, navigate that. The parents have their own relationship with the brother and they need to figure out how to go about that. But if them the writer has the ability to minimize or completely discontinue communication for a time, perhaps in the future the brother The brother will realise himself and turn things around. But in the meantime, if you know you don't have the ability to take what he is doing, you know and you don't have to, you don't have to take it. So I think those two particular letters and columns, I related to them a lot because I have had to deal with this in my own personal life. And it's not it's not easy. It's tough. But do I regret the decision I made? No.
Amaka 00:33:45 And I know that a lot of folks who have had to make this decision, though it was tough in the beginning, have not regretted having to do it. And making a decision such as this, you know, when it comes to having to, unfortunately not be close with the family member or deliberately cut ties. It doesn't always have to be permanent. Things can turn around. Best case scenario, you're able to come back together and be in a better place with that person. But in the meantime, it doesn't mean you need to take bullshit. It doesn't mean that you need to take emotional damage. It's hard for some folks to agree or believe that this can be done, or you know that this is appropriate. But if there's anyone out there who is struggling with a decision like this who maybe has a family member who they just really can't deal with despite multiple tries and are considering, maybe for a time, setting a strong boundary when it comes to communication. Let me tell you that I support you in that decision and if that's what you need to do, go ahead and do it.
Amaka 00:35:07 If it means that your mental health and your sanity will be spared and improved, then. You have your you have my support from my corner because sometimes you just need to do it. And a lot of times it is the last resort. Like you do not want to cut your family member off. You don't want to do that, but you get to a point where you're like, it's me or them and it's not going to be me. It's going to be them because I only have myself and I need to protect myself. I need to protect my mental health, and I need to protect my sanity. So those decisions are hard, but they're not impossible. And many times after you get through that initial stage of, oh my God, what have I done? Did I make the right decision? If you hold steady? You find that it was the right thing to do for you at that time? and at the same time, you can still hold space for hope in the future that things can improve and get better.
Amaka 00:36:18 So I want to touch on one more thing in the book. It's divided into five parts, and each part has kind of like, questions about the advice that Sheryl gives to her writers. And part five is called put it in a box and wait. And I wanted to read what she wrote in response to you give a lot of advice about what to do. Do you have any advice about what not to do? This is what she wrote. Don't do what you know on a gut level to be the wrong thing to do. Don't stay when you know you should go or go when you know you should stay. Don't fight when you should hold steady or hold steady. When you should fight. Don't focus on the short term fun instead of the long term fallout. Don't surrender all your joy for an idea you used to have about yourself that isn't true anymore. Don't seek joy at all costs. I know it's hard to know what to do when you have a conflicting set of emotions and desires, but it's not as hard as we pretend it is.
Amaka 00:37:34 Saying as hard as ultimately a justification to do whatever seems like the easiest thing to do. Have the affair. Stay at the horrible job and the friendship over a slight. Keep loving someone who treats you terribly. I don't think there's a single dumbass thing I've done in my adult life that I didn't know was a dumbass thing to do while I was doing it. Even when I justified it to myself as I did every damn time. The truest part of me knew I was doing the wrong thing. Always in the years past, I'm learning how to better trust my gut and not do the wrong thing. But every so often, I get a harsh reminder that I've still got work to do. So ultimately, she's saying that a lot of the times, and I know this is true for me. Your gut tells you what to do, and sometimes your gut tells you to do the hard thing and you want to do the easy thing, but it's not going to get you the result that ultimately is meant for you.
Amaka 00:38:37 And when you go the easy way, or you take the decision that is against your gut, you falter and you get the result that you did not want, or things don't go the way they were supposed to. And I find this to be true for me. whenever I don't go with my gut, it doesn't work out. It doesn't work out. And sometimes, you know, you try to rationalize to the point where you feel like it's your gut. But deep down, if you really quiet the noise, you know it's not. So I really appreciated her response to that question. A lot of things just boil down to your gut because ultimately there's like a mind gut connection. just going a little scientific really quick. A lot of the, receptors in the GI tract are the same as the ones in your brain. So when you say when someone asks you what your gut tells you, it's almost like saying, what is your mind telling you? Because deep down, a lot of times we know what we're supposed to do.
Amaka 00:39:44 But there are so many things coming from different directions, telling us different things, and it can drown out our inner voice, and then we end up doing what we ultimately know wasn't the what to do, and we go the way we weren't supposed to go. And then it can just be a disaster. But if anything is a reminder, it could be this. You know? In every instance, at every time when you can go with your gut, go with your gut, go with your gut. So I only touched on like 3 or 4 letters and column responses in this book. But there are so many. There's so many. Like I said, there are over 60 different letters and responses and they all have something to teach you. There's so much about marriage, relationships, friendships, work, colleagues, affairs, children, anything and everything really. Death, you know, so much. So much, that can be taken away from this book. in terms of general life advice, it doesn't always, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to agree with everything.
Amaka 00:41:05 I don't I didn't agree with everything that I read in here. But, you know, Sheryl is responding based off her life experiences. These are her most educated and knowledgeable opinions, but it doesn't make it the only opinion. It doesn't make it the right opinion. It just makes it her opinion. And if the writers in the column resonate with the responses and the, you know, kind of perspectives that she was offering, then they, you know, they're free to go with it. But we all ultimately have autonomy and we have the ability to make our own choices. And that's what this book boiled down to. At the end of the day. She gave what she thought was her most sound advice, but it was up to the writer to take it, you know, and that's ultimately. When it comes to us. That's what it boils down to. We are able to hear the advice and perspectives, but given to us by any and everyone around us. But ultimately it is our choice to take it and to decide.
Amaka 00:42:15 Does this go with what I feel? Does this go with my gut feeling and then go from there? So with that, I want to I'm going to end the podcast here. I want to thank you guys for listening. As always, if you reach the end of this episode, thank you so much. If you have listened to a past episode, thank you so much. If you are a new subscriber regardless of platform, thank you so much. If this episode or past episodes have impacted you in a positive way. Please rate and review us on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Please recommend this podcast to folks who you think might like it. If you have any questions for me about anything mental health therapy psych related book related, please reach out to me at btbwpodcast@gmail.com. Again, that's btbwpodcast@gmail.com. Thank you. As always, thank you so much. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode and I will talk to you guys soon. Bye.
