Episode 11: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz Pt. 2

In this podcast episode, I share my final reflections on "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. I discuss the agreements of not taking things personally, not making assumptions, and always doing your best, and how they relate to my personal experiences. I emphasize the importance of internal agreements, clear communication, and self-compassion. I acknowledge and affirm that one's best effort can vary from day to day and encourage listeners to accept their fluid levels of personal capacity.

Amaka** ((00:00:14)) - - Hey, everyone. Welcome back. Welcome back to the podcast. It's your host, Amaka. It's a Saturday when I'm recording this episode. Got my usual setup going. sitting at my desk, looking out the window. It's a pretty gloomy day today, and I think it's supposed to rain most of the day, so we're gonna try and make the best of it. as I sit here, my hair is wrapped up because it was long overdue for a deep condition. So I put my, trusty recipe together last night. Some olive oil, a couple eggs and avocado. Some mayo. whipped that all together in my NutriBullet and slathered my hair down last night. and covered it. So my plan is, after this podcast, to take it down and wash it and, you know, get it all clean and beautiful. So yeah, as I'm sitting here, I am planning to just finish this up and then I'll get on with my day. But I couldn't do anything else until I did this because it's priority for me today.

Amaka** ((00:01:34)) - - And, I'm excited to get into and finish the discussion on the Four Agreements. but before that, I'll share a little bit about my week. nothing out of the ordinary pretty much just worked. Getting back on the horse in terms of reading, I have been slacking. Not even going to lie. But one thing that helps me often is just putting a timer on my phone for minimum 20 minutes. So like if I haven't read in a few days or more, I'll be like, okay, like you couldn't do you can't do everything in the world for 20 minutes, but you can do most things for 20 minutes and you can definitely read for 20 minutes. So I would put a timer on my phone and I would, you know, kind of chill out, relax and open the book. And oftentimes when I do that, the timer will go off and I'll keep I don't want to keep going. So it does help with getting started and building the momentum of whatever you want to do. So yeah, I just worked did some reading, tidying up the house.

Amaka** ((00:02:48)) - - Yeah, yeah, that's pretty much it. That's pretty much it. I think we're going to get into the book, which is I'm not usually jumping into the book, this soon, but yeah, why not? So the Four Agreements. I underestimated how long it would take me to reread this book. holding it in my hands. It's a small book. It's almost handheld. in terms of size, not even. It's 140 pages and it's not a dense 140 pages. So I was like, oh, I'll finish this in a day or two. Nope. Took me like maybe three weeks because I just kept starting and stopping, you know, life doing other things. But I recorded the first part and I really wanted to finish it, not just for the podcast, but for myself because I started the book again. I reread the first chapter on domestication and like the the dream that is the world in society. And then I read the next chapter. be impeccable with your word with which I discussed on the previous episode.

Amaka** ((00:04:12)) - - So this episode we're going to talk about the last three chapters after that. don't take things personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. And I feel like this discussion is going to take from parts of previous episodes, because the themes in this book, with the chapters that I'm going to talk about, complements a lot of the conversations I've had in the past with, like, boundaries and, folks worldview. Like with what happened to you. with Doctor Bruce D Perry and Oprah Winfrey. So I'm definitely going to draw from those conversations. But the book had a lot to offer on its own the second time around. And I would say this book, in my opinion, has a very idealistic view of how you can live life. and, you know, there's just certain realities there, just certain realities that you just can't escape. And if someone might read this book and be like, oh, this guy's head is in the clouds. this is not applicable to real life, and I would understand that.

Amaka** ((00:05:29)) - - But I think there are some things that are applicable and are relevant, like bottom line with this book. The concept of internal agreement with the things inside you and the things outside you. I think if someone were to read this book and have like only one takeaway, I would hope it would be that a lot of things in your life and in the world around you does not have to affect you. It's a lot of it boils down to just internal agreement. Do I agree with this? Do I not agree with this? And you know, that's a good segway. That's a good segue into the second agreement, which is don't take anything personally. I have spoken on this podcast in the past about how when I was younger, I did not understand what folks meant when they said, don't take things personally because I'm a person, you're a person. You're saying this to me, you're doing this to me. I'm hearing what you're saying, or I'm experiencing the impact of your actions, and you're telling me not to take it personally.

Amaka** ((00:06:58)) - - Like it? It did not compute when I was younger. and that could have just been my current stage of development at that time. Not really being able to put the pieces together. But as you get older, you know, sometimes concepts, in order to really understand them, just take some time and maturity and and life experience. So getting older, I began to really understand what that meant. And books like The Four Agreements and books like What Happened to You really solidify it for me, to the point where there are things that used to bother me that really just don't anymore, like Like, I really amaze myself and you know, this is just I attribute this to practice and seeking knowledge and just life experience in general. How five, ten years ago there are certain things that would bother me and I would be so down, or I would let it affect me for days on end. And now, as I am. Something might happen and it'll roll off my back. Like I really can't overstate, the progress that I have made in this regard, and I'm really proud of myself for it.

Amaka** ((00:08:30)) - - and I'm hoping that perhaps talking about it can help folks who are working to get to that place. I hope it'll help you in that journey. in no way am I saying I'm perfect in that way. Things definitely still affect me. But I think it's one thing to experience things and not know what to do with those feelings or or feel like you have no choice but to sit and dwell in, ruminate on it. And it's another thing to have something happen to you, or have something be said to you, and you have the tools to process it in a healthy way, and you have done it for long enough to where you have gotten pretty efficient in that process, and that allows me speaking for myself. It allows me to process things quickly, and it gives very little room for me to need to sit and dwell and wonder and ruminate. Why did this happen? Why did this person do this? Why did this person say this? So don't take anything personally. This chapter in The Four Agreements really took me back to, the book What Happened to You? Which I have mentioned.

Amaka** ((00:09:52)) - - This is probably the fourth time I've mentioned it on this podcast episode. Everybody is operating in this world from their own perspective, from their own worldview, however it was cultivated from birth. A lot of it depends on what they were exposed to, who their caregivers were, what environment they grew up in. the messages that they were given as a child growing up, what they internalized, so many things that have to do with them and really nothing to do with us. People's interactions with us are based on how they have figured out for themselves, or how they have been raised to interact with the outside world and me using myself and using myself as an example. Me coming to contact with someone, everyone who has their individual worldview. They're looking to interact with me based on how they think they're supposed to interact with the world, like they're interacting with me. based on how they move in the world, it really has nothing to do with me. So having that reinforcement in this chapter is helpful. And also the topic or like the concept of agreement is relevant here too, because taking things personally, there's no way you can take well, no, I don't want to speak in absolutes, but what I'm trying to say is for something to happen to you.

Amaka** ((00:11:46)) - - Let's say someone says something to you and you take it personally. It's likely that what they said, if it's pressed the button, then there's something inside you that agrees with what they said and there's something inside of you that maybe feels that what they said was truth. And you had already you had already believed it to be true. So you have this person who says this thing to you, or does something to you for a reason that you think you know, and then you start wondering, why did they do this? Did they do this because of this? Do they do this because of this? And you start to try and figure out why what happened happened. When it comes to taking things personally, it's less likely, very much less likely to impact you. If you don't already believe what the person is saying. If you if it's very much less likely to impact you. If you don't already have a personal agreement around what happened. So let's say somebody says, oh, you're not that really.

Amaka** ((00:13:09)) - - You're not really that smart. Perhaps they, you know, were talking with you and I don't know I don't know what would persuade anyone to say that to anybody. but they might be like, you're not really that smart. In your minds, if taking that personally would need a route of you believing. How did they know that? Or feeling already having a degree of feeling that you aren't intelligent and that presses a button and it wounds a sensitivity in you that you already have. And you know it's a slippery slope, and very little good would come from that. But if you using the scenario again, someone is talking to you and all of a sudden they say you're not really that smart. If you personally don't believe that, if you do not grasp that thought that they have put out there towards you, if you don't take it and internalize it and pretty much lock it into agreement within yourself, you You won't take it personally. And it'll. It'll be something like. I don't get why they said that, but okay, you know, type of thing.

Amaka** ((00:14:40)) - - It'll be easier for it to kind of roll off your back. Agreeing with what someone says, whether it's positive or negative, can mean that to a degree, you believe it to. And it is worth reflecting if you find yourself in situations frequently where or occasionally, where something is said or done to you and you take it personally. It's worth reflecting if there's something involving how you were raised or the messages internalized that make the other person's actions or statement feel like they're true, or like they hit close to home. So this can be really hard. It's it's much easier said than done, but it's possible to get to a point where very, very few things affect you in this way. And I know that I have made leaps and bounds over the years in getting to a point that a lot less things, I take personally, but I think this can be a starting point for folks who, you know, are really trying to get better at this. Look at the internal agreements that you have with yourself.

Amaka** ((00:15:54)) - - Like, even if you need to get a pen and paper and just sit for a little bit and just ask yourself what internal agreements, what what internal agreements do I have with myself? Things like I've never really been that smart. I don't have high self-esteem or I struggle with self-worth or anything really. A lot of our internal agreements come from how we were raised. So, you know, think back to the messages that you got when you were a child and your takeaways and how it has affected you getting older and whether you truly believe those things. Because the first step towards kind of breaking those agreements is taking away the belief in it, because I personally believe that the belief is what gives it the power. So if you decide, I'm no longer going to believe this about myself, I'm not going to. I'm no longer going to feed in this internal agreement. That alone takes away some power. And then over time, it gets less and less to where it's not even an issue anymore. So let's move on to the third agreement, which is don't make assumptions.

Amaka** ((00:17:23)) - - A lot of times we make assumptions because we don't know the whole story. And the brain does not like gaps. It does not like holes in stories. It likes to know everything or it likes to think that it knows everything. So if something is unclear if you know something doesn't add up, the brain is going to do its absolute best to fill in those holes, even if it's with stories that are that you don't know if they're based in fact or not. So with this, I don't really have much to say about this agreement except the biggest theme here, in my opinion, is just communication, seeking clarity and communication. Like don't even give your mind the opportunity to fill feel like it needs to fill gaps or fill holes in stories, you know. Particularly, you know, I'm thinking in terms of relationships right now. You might think, you know, why someone is doing something. You might think you know why someone is behaving a certain way. you you don't know. And if one is not aware of not knowing, the mind is going to work really hard to use based.

Amaka** ((00:18:59)) - - Use its knowledge base of what it already knows to figure out why what is happening in the moment is happening. So in order to work against that, the best tool is just communication, just asking questions first and foremost and probably most importantly. ask questions. Anything you. Anything that you feel your mind is starting to. Try to figure out, based off what it already knows is likely an assumption, and is is a good place to kind of sit with yourself and be like, I think I need to get some clarity on this from whoever, you know, ask questions and don't be afraid to ask questions, because sometimes assumptions grow from the discomfort or the nervousness or anxiety of asking questions. But a lot of times, just kind of initiating that conversation avoids so many misunderstandings or miscommunication that could have snowballed into full blown disagreements and arguments and things like that. So yeah, with don't make assumptions. All my biggest takeaway from that is don't give the mind time to make up stories. Don't give the mind time to start trying to fill the gaps and in things that it feels like it really needs the answers to.

Amaka** ((00:20:40)) - - If you can help it, ask questions to clarify. If you can't help it, then leave it alone. You know there's nothing that can be done in that moment. Perhaps you can get some clarity later on, but if you can't, hopefully there is enough self-awareness to where you can realize, okay, I have something right now that my mind is trying to figure out with no real foundational basis in truth, and I need clarity, but I'm not able to get that right now. So I need to, you know, put it aside. And I'm not going to let my mind progress in trying to fill the holes and fix the story for my sake. because some sometimes you can't get clarity on things right away, and that's okay. But I think the first step is just being self-aware, knowing what's going on so that you know how to appropriately move on, move forward. I want to read an excerpt from this chapter, which I feel like pretty much summed everything up when it comes to this agreement.

Amaka** ((00:22:02)) - - it's on page 72 of the book, and it says the way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions. Make sure the communication is clear. If you don't understand, ask. Have the courage to ask questions until you are as clear as can be. And even then, do not assume you know all there is to know about a given situation. Once you hear the answer, you will not have to make assumptions because you will know the truth. And this is pretty much what I'm saying once you get clarity. Your mind has no room to make up stories. So the excerpt continues. Also, find your voice to ask for what you want. Everyone has the right to tell you no or yes, but you always have the right to ask. Likewise, everybody has the right to ask you, but you have the right to say yes or no. So I think those two paragraphs pretty much sum up that whole chapter. Don't make assumptions. Where do assumptions come from? Your mind wanting to fill holes in stories that it doesn't have the full picture? How can you work against that clear communication, asking questions and doing that gives the mind less of an opportunity to want to fill those holes with assumptions that don't have any basis in fact.

Amaka** ((00:23:33)) - - And doing that can prevent a whole array of, you know, unnecessary interactions, you know, disagreements, miscommunication, things like that. I think even if a reader took that alone away from the book, it would make a huge difference in daily life and it would prevent a lot of headache. You know, you don't have to you don't feel like you have to use that energy to try and figure out what's going on. If you're just able to ask, then a lot of wondering, a lot of unnecessary wondering and trying to figure out things is avoided. So the next and final agreement is always do your best. And I really appreciated this reminder from this book and the fact that your best varies from day to day. It varies from hour to hour. It varies from minute to minute. Your best yesterday may not be your best today. You know, it really is dependent on your current state of mind, your current state of health. You know things going on in your life. And if you're truthful and honest with yourself and you know that you're doing your best possible and in your current capacity, I think it's easier to give yourself a little bit more grace because you know that you're always trying to do your best in, you know, whatever space you are in.

Amaka** ((00:25:26)) - - You know, doing your best can mean you're sick. You're laying in bed because you need to recover. You need to get better. Doing your best in that case can mean drinking fluids and taking your vitamins, taking your medicine, binging Netflix so that you can, you know, try and make yourself feel a little bit better while your body is recovering. And that scenario that can be your best. And that is more than enough. You know, doing your best can mean that you are, you have promised yourself that you're going to prioritize health and fitness and, you know, you're building momentum and you're going to the gym and you're seeing a difference and it's continuously motivating to you, and that can be your best at that time. It really, really, really is dependent on your frame of mind and your capability in that moment. Doing your best. I think just thinking that phrase can bring about feeling. You have to be on 100 all the time, but that's not really like that's not realistic.

Amaka** ((00:26:42)) - - Being on 100 all the time is not realistic and it's not sustainable. You have periods where you are firing on all cylinders and you are getting everything done, and you know you are really motivated and feeling really accomplished. And there are times where doing your best means getting rest and slowing down and reflecting and taking stock and turning inward and seeing how you are doing, checking in with yourself Sometimes that's what doing your best can mean, and there's so much in between those two extremes. So I've tried to live with this agreement and mine for quite a while, you know, especially with the change of seasons right now and the days getting shorter. a couple of weeks ago, I found that I was struggling a little bit, you know, and I initially I was kind of thinking to myself in almost in like an admonishing way, like, why aren't you keeping up with the things you need to do? Thankfully, I was able to kind of pull back from that and, you know, kind of say to myself, the seasons are changing and it's, it takes time to adjust.

Amaka** ((00:28:14)) - - And perhaps my body is reacting to it in this way. And, you know, certain things are taking a little bit more effort right now or they can't be done right now. And that's okay. That's okay. You know, so your best can vary based on seasons. It can vary based on the month. It can vary based on the day. It can vary based on who is around you. It can based be based on your environment, your best. It really can change from second to second. But ultimately, if you know that that is what you can do within your capacity in the in that moment, then that's enough. That's enough. And it doesn't take away from who you are. It doesn't take away from your worth as a person. You know, as human beings, we have ebbs and flows, and in every moment we are doing our best. So, you know, this this book is a staple. Like I said, it can it can read a little idealistic in my opinion, especially like in the end.

Amaka** ((00:29:41)) - - But there's still a lot to take away from it. And I enjoyed reading it again for the second time. And I don't usually reread books. I think I mentioned that in the previous episode, but it had been ten years since I read it. Ten years ago I was living in Delaware and I had just started my first big girl job. And, you know, I feel like I've lived like five lives since then. So it felt like a good time to pick it up again and see what it. What is it in the book that has truly become a theme in my life? And what in the book I can, you know, work on incorporating better? So I think I'm gonna end the podcast here. I want to thank you guys for listening. As always, if you feel moved to reach out to me, please do. You can contact me via email at btbwpodcast@gmail.com. Again, that's btbwpodcast@gmail.com. Please subscribe. Please follow on Apple and Spotify. If you have been positively impacted, impacted by this episode or this podcast in general, please rate it on Apple Podcasts.

Amaka** ((00:31:10)) - - And again, I want to thank you guys for listening as always. there are a million choices when it comes to podcasts, but, you know, you decided to give this one a chance and to turn up this episode on to listen. So I really appreciate you. All right, guys, talk to you soon. Be well. Bye