Episode 01: My Journey Towards Becoming a Psych NP

In this podcast episode, I recount my transformative journey from working in DC to becoming a board-certified psychiatric nurse practitioner. I share the trials of financial hardship, withdrawing from the University of Pennsylvania's nursing program as a student, and securing a job at the school of nursing as an employee. Inspired by a friend's experience, I reevaluate my path, switches my specialty to psychiatry and mental health, and gain admission into Yale's nursing program. Despite the setbacks of COVID-19, including losing a job offer and adjusting to online learning, I graduate from Yale, and hope my journey will encourage Black women to pursue their dreams in healthcare.

TRANSCRIPT

Amaka (00:00:14) - Hello, everyone. Welcome back to the Biblio Therapy for Black Woman podcast. I am your host, Amaka and I hope everyone is doing well this morning or this afternoon this evening. Whenever you're listening to this episode, it's morning where I am and I woke up, took a quick hike at a local park. It's this really nice park that surrounds a lake, and I usually do two rounds around the lake, but I was trying these new sneakers, trying to break them in. Kind of took away from the hike and I did one round instead of two. But hey, you know, sometimes your efforts, you know, are different. Giving the day. So I was like, you know, today one round is enough for me. So I did that. At least I was able to start the day outside, you know, around some nature, collect my thoughts, set my intentions for the day, get my mind right for the weekend, and start the day feeling good. So for this episode, as I mentioned in my trailer, I wanted to talk a little bit about my journey to this point.

Amaka (00:01:41) - I graduated from my nurse practitioner program almost three months ago. I was at one point the only black student in my psych mental health cohort at Yale, and then it's a three year program in year two. There was another black woman that joined me, and I'm so thankful for her. She's one of my closest friends. Now we're gonna rewind all the way back to 2017, when I lived in Maryland and I worked in DC. I was doing well, no complaints. I was in my mid 20s. I had a good research job in downtown D.C. as far as good jobs go, in your mid 20s, I was checking off all the boxes. I had a great group of coworkers, good friends, had my own place, and starting out in the job. The first year or two, I was good. I was like, you know, things are good right now. I kind of feel like things are steady. At that point, I had this is probably the third state I had lived in in my 20s.

Amaka (00:02:58) - So I'm like, you know, things are pretty stable right now. I don't think I'm going to be actively pursuing anything career wise for a little while. So I was good. And then in about, I think like 2016, I started thinking, you know, this job is great, but it's not what I want to do long term. So I started thinking about what do I want to what do I want my next steps to be? I also mentioned in the last episode that I wasn't really too aware of the field of nurse practitioners and what they do until I met my primary care provider, who was a black woman who had her own practice in downtown D.C. she was a family nurse practitioner, a great experience all around in terms of care and tending to my needs as a patient. But aside from that, that was around the time when I was thinking about what my next steps would be. And I'm looking at this woman because at that point, I was considering a more clinical route in terms of profession.

Amaka (00:04:10) - I was like, do I go the PA route, which is physician's associate? Do I go the doctor out? I was even considering dentistry at a point. And pharmacy, there was a point when I was even like, oh, okay, I'm going to be a dentist. Why? I don't know, but deep down I was like, no, this isn't this doesn't fit me, doesn't fit me. And then there was a point where I was like, okay, I'm going to pharmacy school. And I'm like, I was like, no, this doesn't fit me either. And I seriously considered becoming a PA, but the requirements I would need, I could not get within the timeframe that I had set for myself. So that was around the time where I started seeing this family nurse practitioner. I asked her, you know, questions, how did you get in this position? You're a black woman with a practice in downtown DC, and she started. Talking to me about her journey and how she got there.

Amaka (00:05:13) - And I was like, dang, this is something that I could really see myself doing pursuing, because in my mind, you have to be like a doctor or a dentist to have your own practice. Like she was doing her thing on her own. So that gave me a little bit of a glimpse into that possibility, and I started thinking about it more and more. I started researching the field of nurse practitioners and what they're able to do. And I got to a point where I was like, oh, okay, I think this is what I want to do. I think this is what I want to do. I like the flexibility. I like how wide of a scope you can, you know, working as an MP, I like all the different specialties. So I had made the decision to pursue it and it felt good. It felt good. So I started the application process. In summer 2016. I had my school's. it was like 5 or 6 schools of, like, the top EMP programs in the country.

Amaka (00:06:27) - I had gotten after the whole process. Come spring 2017, I had gotten into maybe half of the schools. I did not get into Yale the first time, so I had applied to Yale program as family nurse practitioner. I had applied to all my programs as family nurse practitioner. I had applied to Yale. I applied to the University of Pennsylvania in Philly. I applied to Columbia in New York City. I applied to Mass General in Boston. I applied to Boston College in Boston, and I think I also applied to Thomas Jefferson in Philly. So that might be like six ish schools if I'm not forgetting any. And I did not even get an interview with Yale. I remember being in transit somewhere. I think I was in the metro or at Union Station, and I got the email. I was with somebody, maybe a coworker or, someone else. I got the email and I was so sad. I was like, oh my God, y'all was my first choice. They didn't even offer me an interview.

Amaka (00:07:46) - So that took a couple days to process. But I got an interview with the University of Pennsylvania. I got further along with Mass General. I don't think Columbia did interviews. I think they just decided based off of your application. But long story short, I ended up being admitted to the University of Pennsylvania in Philly for Family nurse practitioner. I was admitted to Mass General in Boston for adult gerontology, even though I applied for family nurse practitioner, because they said that they weren't able to admit me for family nurse practitioner, but they would offer me a spot in their adult gerontology cohort. Now, for those that don't know what that means, family nurse practitioner means you can work with patients across the lifespan. That's from birth to death. But adult gerontology primarily means that you only work with patients like 17, age 17 and up, or age 18 and up. So pretty much you you won't work with, you know, adolescents or children. And then you have pediatric nurse practitioner who only work with individuals 18 or 17 and under.

Amaka (00:09:13) - So they offered me a spot in their cohort for adult gerontology with a scholarship, and I was considering it. But I'm like, that's not what I really want. That's not what I really want. And at that point, I don't think I had heard back from Penn yet. So I was holding out. And then I heard back from Penn. I was like, okay, my decision has been made. I had also heard back from Columbia and they admitted me, but I applied for their dual program like they're their equivalent of like nursing slash DNP doctor in nursing practice program. And they only admitted me for the first portion. They did not admit me for the second portion. considering the cost of the program at Columbia not getting admitted into the entire program that I applied to, it was becoming less and less of an option in my mind. But then I got admitted into Penn. I got admitted into the BSN and Emerson portion that I applied for. Since I did not have a nursing background, I would be starting with the, work of achieving a bachelor's in nursing and then going into my master's of science and nursing.

Amaka (00:10:36) - and they admitted me for the family nurse practitioner cohort, so I was happy. The program was not cheap, it was not cheap. And the financial structure for how to pay for it was going to be difficult. But out of the schools that I had applied to and heard back from, and ultimately where it was admitted to, Penn was the best bet. So I was like, we're going to do Penn. So I left my job, my D.C. job, after almost four years. That was such a tough transition time. But I did it. I was like, you know, this is something new. The DMV area has been my has become my area of comfort. You know, I have friends here. I have my job here. But I know I meant to continue on and start something new. So I moved to Philly. Like early summer 2017. Started the program. It was very, very, very rigorous that first summer, I think back wondering how I got through it because like I said, I accepted admission and I knew it was a expensive program.

Amaka (00:12:10) - I didn't really know how I would pay for it. I'm going to be honest. I was like, it's gonna figure itself out. It's got to figure itself out. And for the first semester it did. I was kind of things were touch and go. I was dealing with the financial part of the program while still keeping up with my schoolwork because I'm like, you know, I can't be worrying about finances for school and then be failing nursing school. So I was like, at the very least, let me work hard, keep my grades up so I have more leverage in terms of, you know, opportunity. If there's something that comes my way that can help with paying for the program. So I kept going. I finished out that summer semester successfully, but it was getting to the point where I had to make a decision because. I was hitting a wall when it came to figuring out ways to continue in that program. Sadly, I got to a point where I had to withdraw. I had to withdraw from the nursing program at Penn, and I withdrew like mid-August of 2017, which was really tough.

Amaka (00:13:35) - I felt like a failure. I felt like I hadn't planned well enough. I could have did this. I could have did that. Like, how could I have not seen this coming? It was a really tough time, especially since I had such high hopes for 2017 as a year. I don't know why. I tend to like to think that, you know, my number is seven because I'm born in July and I don't know, just all these little things that I won't go into. but I was just really hyped when we started 2017. I was really hyped. I was like, this is going to be a great year. A lot of good things are going to happen. And, you know, I had made this transition from DC to Philadelphia. I had moved to Philly for this program. I was living based off of financial aid from the school. I was paying rent from the financial aid from the school, which was part of my angst and fear. I'm like, I'm not going to be able to pay for this program.

Amaka (00:14:50) - How am I going to continue to live in Philadelphia? So I remember just getting to a point where I was just like, so sad. I was so disappointed in how things were turning out. I was like, this is not how everything was supposed to be. And sadly, I was not the only person to drop out from the program. There were other people who a good friend of mine who I met there and we are great friends to today, also left. She left a little earlier than me. I left a few weeks after. I was just in a very tough place, very hopeless place mentally. Thankfully my partner was helpful. Supportive, was like, you know, this is sad. This is tough, but we'll figure it out. So I begged and pleaded with the school to help me figure something out. They said their hands were tied. There's nothing they can do. So I was like, wow, damn. I was definitely a lot more emotional than than it seems like I am now.

Amaka (00:16:10) - I mean, that's four years ago at this point. So much has happened since then and I'm definitely in a better place. But you can imagine in those moments wondering what you're going to do. And I am not the type of person to kind of just wing life. I am I have three siblings. I am the oldest. I am the planner. I don't mind if plans change, but foundationally I need to have a plan for everything. And this was life. This was not oh, let me plan how my day is going to go. Oh, maybe I'll go here. Oh, no. Let me. I'll change my mind. This was my life. I was like, I'm moving to Philly for this program because I have decided I'm gonna change up my career and do this, and this program is the vehicle to get there. And I'm finding that I can no longer be in that program. So my my mental state was not in a good place. It was not in a good place, I was.

Amaka (00:17:22) - Anxious. The most anxious I've ever been, probably in my life. I was wondering, what am I, what I'm going to do? I hadn't told my mom yet because I. I like calling my mother after I've solved my problems. I don't like going to her with problems unless I really, really need her help. So I hadn't told my mom yet. I was just trying to kind of figure it out on my own. So it took a few days and I was like, okay, well, you know, I have to keep living. I am I am here in Philly, at least for the foreseeable future, at least for the next few months, probably through the next summer at least. So I need to find a job. I need to go back to work. So Penn, being such a big academic institution and hospital system, I started from there. I started applying for jobs again with my resume. I reached out to some old colleagues. I told them, unfortunately, what happened and then I'm going to be going back to work and figuring out my next steps, which was kind of kind of opened the wound all over again because, you know, leaving the DMV area, I had a pretty nice sendoff from coworkers and things like that.

Amaka (00:18:53) - And I'm like, oh man, I have to go back and ask for references again because I'm no longer in school. So I did that because we have to keep going. We have to be able to pay rent and bills and live. So I continued applying. I went into pen. Initially I was like, I don't want to work at the School of Nursing. I don't want to work at the school where I had to withdraw. Oh my God. And because I was like, it's just too painful, I'm going to see the students. I'm not a part of the cohort anymore. Things are going to be weird. And it's true. You know, things could have been weird. You know, I'm not part of the cohort anymore, but I'm just thankful that I kind of got over that because I'm like, you need to get a job where you can get a job. You know, you need to get a good job where you can get a good job. So I kind of got over that.

Amaka (00:20:05) - And there was a job in the School of Nursing that I was pretty well qualified for. I put in the application, I heard back, I got it interview, I did well, and they offered me the position. So from mid-August to maybe like mid-August and then all of September, I still had a little bit of money. I still had enough money to kind of keep me going in the meantime, but I was still really anxious. Like, I hate the feeling of not having ever since I started working, like real work from right after college, I had never really been in a place where I wasn't really sure what I'm going to do about income. So this was the first time in a very long time that I was anxious about income, and I had hoped to never be in that place, and I was there, so I was good for like six weeks. But I needed to get something fast. I was considering starting driving for Lyft. I was considering, there was another job I was in the running for, but it was not.

Amaka (00:21:29) - It was. I wasn't too excited about it, but it was like, okay, if I have to do what I will type of thing. It was a research job, but it's like a it's like field research where you have to go out in the community, ask questions. And with my type of personality, at least then it wasn't going to be something I would be excited about. But you know, with my back against the wall, I would do it. So I was really hoping to get this position at the School of Nursing at Penn, and I did. Thankfully, it was more along the lines of the research that I had done up to that point in my career, like living in DC and living in Delaware prior. So I remember learning that I had gotten the job and, you know. Getting that email. I was walking into my apartment and West Philly, and I got the email and I walked into my room and I started to cry. I started to cry because it had been such a tough couple of months, like going through more than a couple of months going through spring semester.

Amaka (00:22:42) - Let's even go back further. Before I moved to Philly from the DMV, packing up the whole transition, starting the program, getting through that summer semester, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done. And then all the while worrying about this whole financial aid situation, finishing the spring, the summer semester, finishing it successfully, getting more and more anxious about what I'm going to do, and then getting to the point where I had to make a decision and I had to leave. Now, the additional angst of having no money coming in, whether it's from work, a job or financial aid, there's no money. All I have is what's in savings, and I have not been in that position for a really long time. So that added to my anxiety. And then thankfully, getting over that mental block of, oh, I can't work at the School of nursing. That used to be where as a student, people know me and I'm drawing, blah blah blah getting over that. I think I'm so thankful to God that I kind of just pushed myself out of that mental space, because then I would have missed this opportunity and the, you know, interviewing and making a good enough impression for me to get the offer.

Amaka (00:24:04) - I remember walking into my room and just started crying. I was like, God, thank you, thank you. Because these past, however many months, have been the toughest in my adult life so far. And now, even though things did not go how I had planned them. Things are turning around. Things are looking up. I've gotten a job where my background, you know, professionally, will give me a huge boost and I'll be making a very good amount of money for where I live. I'll be able to continue saving. And pretty much I had I was in a great place, and I now had the opportunity to work for the meantime and figure out my next steps. That's all I really wanted. And I had gotten it and I was so happy. This was like fall 2017, like October. I got the offer in October, about six weeks after I withdrew. So I started the job and things were great. But while working I was thinking about what am I going to do? I still want to pursue this career, but it doesn't look like it's going to work out with Penn.

Amaka (00:25:37) - So rewind a little bit. I mentioned a friend of mine who left prior to me because of, you know, the same whole financial situation. She had been admitted to Yale. She she and I had applied to a similar set of schools. I did not get into Yale. She did, but she had chose Penn. So she withdrew from the program early enough to where she got in contact with Yale and talk to them like, you know, I had selected another school, but I don't think it's the right fit. I really would like to see if there's any opportunity to be reconsidered for the Yale cohort. And they told her that their cohort was full for that fall, but they could offer her deferred admission for the next year. So she was like, okay. And she was getting ready to kind of figure out, you know, her moves in the interim. She's originally not originally. She's she's lived a long time in California. So I think she was considering going back to California for the year, you know, going back to work and then relocating back to the East Coast when the school term started for that next year.

Amaka (00:27:04) - but then she told me maybe like a day or two later, they called her back and told her that a student had dropped out and there was a spot open if she wanted to start with this year's cohort. So she had started and, you know, got ready, moved to Yale and was in their program for a family nursing practice. So once I had kind of gotten settled in the new job, Penn nursing, I reached out to her. I was like, hey, how's it going in Yale? And she was like, you know, it's tough, but I'm here. I'm making it work. And I was like, I'm considering reapplying. And she was like, yeah, definitely. It would be great to have you. I miss seeing you. I think you could like Connecticut. So I was like, okay. And she was like, you know what? Let me even talk. Let me see who I can connect you to. to get more information about the program and, you know, see if anything has changed with the application that maybe you would need to readdress.

Amaka (00:28:15) - I was like, okay, yeah, that'd be great. So long story short, I reapplied, this time as psychiatry and mental health, not family nursing practice, which in hindsight I probably should have did all along. I, I applied the first time under the impression that with family nursing practice, I won't I won't be limited to who I can, you know, take care of as a professional and treat. But that's that's true and not true depending on a lot of things. In reality, I did not have a lot of experience or foundation that would, you know, warrants an interview or admission into that program within the family nursing cohort. And it made sense. You know, a lot of my like when I lived in D.C., my job in research was around substance use prevention and treatment that falls more under the umbrella of psychiatry and mental health. When I lived in Delaware and my fellowship was like around grassroots substance use, mental health prevention, intervention, recovery work that falls under the umbrella of psychiatry and mental health.

Amaka (00:29:33) - And then, you know, I have like I mentioned in the trailer, I have some kind of like personal motivations in terms of family and just wanting to learn more about the sciences of mental health and psychiatry. So in hindsight, I'm like, you know, I was not the family nursing practice was not the direction I was supposed to go. It was supposed to be psychiatry, mental health the whole time. And I needed a little bit of convincing. It took a phone call with my mom. At this point, I had already told her what had happened. I was in a little bit. Things were still a little bit shaky for me emotionally, but I was in. I was on much better footing to where, you know, I could tell her what happened and the the decision that I made so that she's not alarmed. So yeah, she knew that I was, you know, thinking about reapplying. I initially was going to reapply again as a FMP. but she was like. Go with psych.

Amaka (00:30:31) - Do psych. I don't know why I was hesitant at that time. I can't really tell you what I was thinking as sort of outside of what I said, treating the entire lifespan. But once I had made the decision to switch, it just felt right. I was like, this is what it should have been all along. So I did that. I applied, I got an interview. I went to Connecticut for the interview. Stayed with my friend. I think I took like took Amtrak or I took, like new Jersey transit to Penn and then took Metro-North because, you know, I'm still a student. Like, I'm not a student. I'm working now, but I'm not trying to, you know, spend Amtrak money. So I remember taking new Jersey transit from Philly to Penn Station and then taking Metro-North from Grand Central to New Haven for this interview. And then my friend picked me up, took me to her place. I got, you know, ready for the interview day the next day, which went great.

Amaka (00:31:43) - I felt really good ending that interview day. But you know, you know, you can never be too sure. But I felt good. So I was really grateful for the hospitality of my friend. I made my way back to Philly the next day, and then maybe like 6 or 8 weeks later, I got the email that I had gotten in. Oh, man. I'm just thinking back like, wow. I'm just thinking back. Like I had gotten the notification that I got got in. I shared it with my friends and Philly, you know, because they I hadn't told them what happened. They were privy to, you know, all the developments and stuff. And they were so happy for me. I told my friend in Connecticut she was happy. She was like, I knew you were going to get it. Like it was a foregone conclusion. I was like, you're so sweet. You have so much faith in me. So but yeah, I was in and I could get emotional again because of, you know, just the roller coaster at that point.

Amaka (00:32:53) - This is February 2018. so about eight months in that transition of thinking I had been settled and then having to leave the program and now getting a job and reapplying and now getting into Yale, I was like, okay, okay, I don't know if I teared up. I remember getting the notification in the morning when I was getting ready for work. My job was walking distance, so I often walked to work, and I remember I felt like I was walking on clouds that day. I felt like I was walking on clouds that day. I was so happy. I was so happy. I was so happy, you know, because I had direction again. You know, this goal of becoming a nurse practitioner. The goal was in sight again and I felt like I had now something direction, something to work towards. And you know, Yale is not cheap either. But the difference between Penn and Yale is just like the financial structure and how you can pay for the program. Yale was markedly different than Penn and Penn's, and Yale's financial structure was in a way that I knew I could do it.

Amaka (00:34:29) - So just knowing that I would be able to start and finish and the financial aid and means of paying was not going to be a problem, I was like, okay, okay, this is happening. So I told, you know, my colleagues and they were happy for me. And the timing was great because my job, as great as it was, it was a grant funded position. So it got to a point where the, grant was to end, and luckily they were able to extend it for the couple of months after the, official end of the grant, so that I wasn't not working in that interim. So I pretty much worked up to like mid-August when I packed up my life again and moved to Connecticut. So I lived in Philly from June 2017 to August 2018, which is just over a year. And with everything that happened with the emotional roller coaster of emotions, I fell in love with that city. I fell in love with it and I visit every chance I get. It's just a beautiful city.

Amaka (00:35:52) - Philadelphia is a vibe. If you've never visited or you've considered visiting, please go. It's I hope you like, you know, everyone's different, but it's a vibe and I feel like most people that go there like it. So yeah, I had to pack up my life and say bye to Philly, which was the sad part. I was like, I've fallen in love with this city. I can see myself living here long term and now I have to go. But it was for good reason. So, you know, I started the program, I made friends. I got through the first year, which was crazy. They're pretty much fitting to two and a half years of nursing school into 11 months. Year one is an accelerated registered nurse program. There were mornings where I would wake up and sit on the side of my bed and be like, what did you do again? Why do you do this to yourself? Oh my God, it was tough. It was tough. Those 8 a.m. advanced pharmacology classes.

Amaka (00:37:14) - Getting to the hospital at 645 for clinical are having three exams in one week. Like it was not easy. It was not easy. But I got through it, not just on my own. There's no way I could have gotten through that program on my own. Or I could have, but I would have been hell and depressed. It's really the ability to find friends and bond and study and and lift each other up. That that's how we all got through it together. So I finished year one and. Took the NCLEX. I remember losing sleep. I remember progressively losing sleep. Every day that got closer to the test and I actually scheduled my test in Philadelphia. I was like, I miss Philly. I haven't been back in forever. Once I got my authorization to test for the exam, I was like, okay, let me schedule it in Philadelphia so I could take a little road trip, go back to Philly, take the test. Whether pass or fail at least. I mean, at least I'm in Philadelphia.

Amaka (00:38:35) - So the city will make me will make me feel better. Hopefully I would have passed. And you know, I'm just enjoying my time. But if I didn't pass, at least I'm in an environment that makes me happy. Regardless, that was my rationale. I would have much rather failed in Philly than failed in Connecticut. Oh my god. So? So I did not know if I passed right away, but there is this little trick in like in the nursing world where if you take the NCLEX. And you finish and you try to reapply to take the test. The exam website won't let you. But if you try to reapply and pay to retake the exam, if you failed, it'll let you. So this was like that little trick that you could do to see if you passed or not, because you don't get your pass right away. So I tried that. I tried that little trick I tried to pay to retake the test and it wouldn't let me. So that was a good sign.

Amaka (00:39:43) - And I called my good friend in the program and she was like, you know, you're good. You did it. It's not letting you retake it. So you're good, you're good. And I was just coming down from the emotional place that I was because. So with NCLEX, you can get anywhere from 75 questions to 265 questions. And a lot of the people in my program that had already taken the test, you know, this is Yale. Everyone is an overachiever. So a lot of students had taken the test. The test had cut off at 75 questions and they had passed. So now you have this benchmark of which you judge yourself. And I'm like, if the test does not cut off at 75 questions, I failed, which is not true. There are people I know that have gone all the way to 275 and pass the test, but you don't want to be in that position where it's just giving you question after question after question. And I hit 75 hoping that it would just the the exam would shut off and it didn't.

Amaka (00:40:58) - It showed me question 76. And I started to cry. I was like in the testing, like in that little cubicle where I was, it did not shut off at 75 questions and I started to cry. I was like, oh my God, I failed this test. I was like, I failed this test. It didn't set off. Shut off at 75. Like that's all it can mean. But I'm like, it's waiting for me to answer this question. So I need to get my act together and and keep going, you know, because the more I let my emotions take over, the less I'll be able to think intellectually about what the questions are asking me, which will mean I'll be getting more and more questions, you know, because the computer is not really sure. You know, have I met the benchmark of being able to be certified as a nurse? So I was like, okay, get yourself together. I was kind of giving myself a pep talk. Get yourself together.

Amaka (00:41:59) - If you're emotional, you won't be able to thing. And the longer you can't think, the longer this test will take you. It sounds like okay, got myself together, started to really be able to think about things. I kept getting questions. I was like, okay, okay, I kept getting questions. And then I got to question 86, something about allergies. I answered it and then it shut off. So it shut off at 86 questions. And I was like, oh, wow. Like, I felt I, I felt like I was not in my body. I was like, I would never wish this experience on anyone. I, I have a good friend who went into her NCLEX. I had a panic attack like it. It gets to be that like high stakes. But I left the testing site. It was in a high rise building in downtown Philly and I was just walking. I was just walking. I felt like I was not in my body. I was just walking back to my hotel because the the morning before the test, I had woke up, woken up at 230.

Amaka (00:43:22) - Remember I said I was progressing like that week prior to my exam. I was progressively waking up earlier and earlier and then the morning of the test, I woke up at 230 and I could not go back to sleep. So I was on YouTube. I was looking for things to occupy my mind. I eventually was able to get a little bit of sleep a little bit more, and then I woke up at maybe six. I was like, you know, let me just get ready for my test. So I think the combination of anxiety and stress and not getting a good night's sleep, not only that morning prior, but that whole week prior, I was just not in my like. I was not in my best state of mind. But I got back to my hotel room. I got in contact with my friend, told her how it was. She tried to calm me down. She told me to do that trick and the website where you try to pay and see if it'll let you or not.

Amaka (00:44:24) - I did it, it didn't let me. So that calmed me down a little bit. And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna go to IHOP. So Delaware is just down the road. I lived there for two years out of undergrad. I was sad to leave it when it was finally time to go because, you know, for many people, Delaware is like a drive or drive through state, but it has a lot of hidden gems, like it has this really cool farmer's market, and it has this beautiful park in historical Newcastle that has like a little beach. And then you have a view of the Delaware Memorial Bridge. So I was like, you know, I'm going to take a drive down to Delaware. So I did that. After the test, I went to IHOP. It was was it a Saturday? I think it was a Saturday. And for a Saturday the IHOP was pretty sparse. I sat down, I got my favorite Colorado omelet with pancakes, and I just drowned my emotions in those pancakes.

Amaka (00:45:26) - Drown them in my pancakes, drown them in my omelet. I was like, this is this is going to have to help me feel better. And it did. So I had my meal, I was happy, and I went to the park that had that little beach and the view, and that was where I really, really came back to myself. I was walking, walking, it seemed. I guess they had extended the park because I walked for a really long time. I was like, oh, I don't remember the park being this like expansive. I walked, I walked all the way to the end, maybe like a mile and a half or two miles, and then walked all the way back to my car and I had felt better. I had felt better. I was like, okay. I had felt good enough to post an Insta story. I didn't go into detail or anything. It was more so about how beautiful the park and the lake was, and I guess I wanted to document it.

Amaka (00:46:30) - So I did that. I watched the I looked at the view of the bridge for a little bit and kind of took in. It was a beautiful day that day. So I kind of I sat on a bench and kind of took in my environment for a little bit, and then I left. I went to the farmer's market that I mentioned, got some key lime pie, which is my favorite dessert. I was like, I deserve it. I deserve this pie. yeah. And then I made my way back to Philly. So that was the whole saga with taking the NCLEX. And then I did not officially. I did not log into the website and officially see the past to this day. Actually, I have never seen past like I've never because come Monday it's was Saturday. So it's not a business day. Come Monday I was back in Connecticut and I checked the the, the Department of Health website for Connecticut, and I had a registered nurse license number. So I was like, oh, I passed.

Amaka (00:47:40) - So I had never logged on to the website and clicked, NCLEX and saw the past. To this day I haven't, but I'm like, I have, I have the license number. So I have obviously passed the exam. So, you know, that was kind of like, okay, it's official now, over the course of the time between taking the test and getting back to Connecticut, I was in a much better place emotionally. I was like, oh, you know, I passed, I passed, I passed, and then I got the official number that Monday. So, you know, at this point, I'm in my second year of the program. I am a registered nurse now, and I'm actually learning about the science of psychiatry and mental health within the context of practicing as an MP. That was the next step in my journey. So, you know, I was doing clinicals. I had gotten through my first semester that that semester, after the first year, like that first specialty or semester that specifically focused on psych and mental health.

Amaka (00:48:51) - I don't want to say it was a breeze. It was not a breeze, but it was significantly easier. I enjoyed that semester so much I did. I had so much more time to myself. I could do a lot more for me. I was learning a lot. I was in a clinical that, you know, I was learning a lot about the fields. I had a great preceptor. And, you know, all that just adds to the journey. And then spring semester came and Covid hit and my clinical was cut short, and then we transitioned everything to online. We were doing our classes via zoom. That was a crazy time. I had gotten an offer for my first nursing job, and then they rescinded the offer because Covid was happening and nobody knew what was going to be the future. So I had gotten my offer. I was onboarding, doing orientation stuff, and then they sent me an email that they are rescinding the offer, and that was sad. I got that email while I was in the middle of an advance.

Amaka (00:50:08) - Pathophysiology exam. Yo. So at that point everything was zoom. So I was taking this exam at home. It wasn't a situation where you had to lock your screen. And my my mail was open on my laptop. So as I'm taking this test, I'm going through the questions and I get this push notification for, this, letter that I got from my place of work, my soon to be place of work, but no longer at that point. And I'm reading this and I'm like, oh my God. Like, I couldn't even process it because I'm in the middle of an advanced pathophysiology exam and I'm like, oh, wow. I was like, oh, okay. I just had to keep going. I just have to keep keep going. So I finished. And then I took the afternoon to kind of process what happened. I was really sad, you know. And yeah Covid Covid has been something to say the least. But in the summertime like May this all this happened in March like mid-March.

Amaka (00:51:28) - You know what calmed me down? I was like, everybody is kind of working based off worst case scenario. Right now. Businesses are working off worst case scenario right now. You know, we have to save money. We have to lay off staff that we don't need. And you're talking about somebody who hasn't even started work. So I am going to be the first to go. But I was like, you know what? At that point we were thinking, oh, Covid will just be, you know, however long what come what calmed me down was like, once things die down, they're going to reach back out and ask me if I want to come back. And they did. They did. So, you know, if I had felt like it was a completely hopeless situation, maybe I would have reacted differently. But that thought eventually came to me and I was like, oh, you know, once we get a handle on things, they'll probably ask if I want to come back to work.

Amaka (00:52:27) - And they did, and I accepted, and I worked there for a year. So fast forward to fall semester of 2020. Everything was still online. All our classes were online, my clinicals were online, my clinical site was an outpatient site, so they were seeing all there. My preceptor, who was amazing, was seeing all of her clients via telemedicine except for one day a week or so. The site had particular protocol for staff to where, they would see patients once a week, and the rest of the week they would be telehealth. So all my clinicals were telehealth for fall semester. All my clinicals were telehealth for spring semester. This past semester, I had only met my preceptor for the first time. Like in April this year. Mind you, I had started with her September of 2020 because of Covid. I had met her virtually, like, you know, the previous fall. But meeting her in person didn't happen until like eight months later, which is crazy. I finished up clinical, finished up all my didactic work and graduated.

Amaka (00:53:54) - And it was surreal. It was surreal because there was an added layer of. Wonder and disbelief. Because I'm thinking back to when I started in Philly. This journey to nursing school, this journey to becoming a nurse practitioner did not start at Yale in Connecticut. It started at Penn in Philly. And having that not work out and having to go back to work and working for almost a year and starting over. And getting to the point where I'm sitting under a tent on the lawn at the School of Nursing at Yale and looking at the graduation booklet and seeing my name. Undergraduates for psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner. I did it, this is real.

Amaka (00:55:02) - It was unbelievable. And it still is. It still is. So I have since taken my boards. I am now board certified. I'm working in the meantime, and I'm just kind of enjoying how things are right now, slowing down a little bit and taking it all in and still having a degree of disbelief that I'm here, that I've made it, that I really did.

Amaka (00:55:34) - You know, I share my story because for whoever is under the sound of my voice, who is thinking of a career change or a career in the health professionals, in the health profession, or if you're a black woman who is thinking about becoming a nurse practitioner, but you don't see many, I am proof we are out here and we are out here doing it and being successful. So I hope you can draw some inspiration from my story. If there is anyone out there who is on a journey and it did not go how you planned. Feel those feelings. Sit in that space for however long you need to process. But please do not give up. Do not give up. Do not think that your situation is hopeless, that there is nothing you can do. Because I was in that place for a brief moment, but I was able to come out of it and keep going and move forward. Things will not always turn out how you plan, but oftentimes they turn out for better. So if you told me four years ago that I would be here, if you told me when I left Penn that I would be here, it would be really, really, really hard to believe you.

Amaka (00:57:18) - But I'm here, I made it, and if I can do it, anyone listening to me who is considering their own path or journey, you can do it too. And if that journey is not going how you planned, if the direction you intended to take is not working out, it does not mean that everything is, you know, has gone to shit. It does not mean that it will feel like that in the moments, but it will likely turn around and the ultimate outcome may be even better than you had originally planned for. So with that, I am over an hour. I did not know I would be recording this long, but I said I was going to talk about my journey and it's it's quite the story. I didn't not really want to skimp on details. So that's it. I want to thank you guys for listening through. I hope you are able to get some little nuggets of inspiration or wisdom or motivation or reinvigoration, and I will talk to you guys soon. Thanks again for listening.

Amaka (00:58:40) - If you have any comments or anything you want to share with me, don't hesitate to reach out to me via email at Betty BW podcast at gmail dot com. Again, that's BT bw podcast at gmail.com. So guys, that's it. Thanks again for listening, and I'll talk to you guys soon. Bye.